How I Became Depressed Mom: Work-Life Balance

Work-a-holics who are devoted mothers face a unique challenge when they return to work:  how do you balance your love for your child with an overwhelming desire to exceed expectations at work?

Hard was an understatement.

I desperately wanted to have baby, and when I found out I was pregnant, I was walking on air happy.  The little guy immediately became my world and focus.  I know it's cliche: the day he was born was truly one of the happiest days of my life.

I truly LOVED being a Mom.  We would go to the zoo and parks; I'd read him stories, and we'd play.  It was so magical.  I never realised life could be like this. 

Then, about two or three months before I was due to return to work, I suddenly hit a bit of a funk.  After spending my life either in school to hone my trade or working, I suddenly felt out of sorts - like my identity had shifted away.  I went to the doctor to request anti-depressants, but I never took them.  I didn't need them because took an on-line class through the local university and felt like myself again.

At first, returning to work wasn't so difficult. When I was there, I was 100% there, and when I was at home, I was 100% with my son.  As the workload increased, I spent longer and longer hours at the office... at least 10 hours, sometimes more.  Then, I'd bring work home with me.  I couldn't be as available for my son as I wanted to be.

Adding to the stress was that my partner is also a work-a-holic, and he was working longer hours too.  He was also busy building our home, which meant that whenever I wasn't working, I was primarily responsible for our child.

There was tremendous Mommy guilt.  I wanted to devote myself to my child, but I found it harder and harder as the work days were longer, and exhaustion and I became one.

Now, even though I'm not working and the little guy spends most weekdays at the day home, I still haven't been able to regain my strength or energy.  I zone-out when I'm with him.  And, that breaks my heart.  He deserves better.  He deserves a Mom who is more engaged in his life.