Thursday, 22 December 2011


My Grandmother and beloved cousin died this week, and I feel nothing.  I haven't shed tears or felt sad.  Just neutral.  Well, other than some 'pissed-off-ed-ness' (is that a word?) at relatives... I feel NOTHING.

It's like I'm coping by not coping??? Does that make sense?

And, with the Christmas season now here, I still feel nothing.  No twinge of joy looking at Christmas lights, or hearing my little guy sing the Grinch song and other Christmas carols.  Baking, wrapping presents, making presents... none of these fill me with joy... It feels like 'something to do' more than an occassion...

When will I get positive emotion back?

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

December Update

Sadly, there's not much to update.

I've been seeing my psychiatrist twice a month for the last little while, and now I'm taking Effexor and an anti-anxiety pill.

I am sad every day, and I cry from time-to-time.  Anxiety makes going out a challenge, and I am filled with fear.  Not a great thing when you're trying to prepare for the holiday season.  I try to face my demons, though.

I still feel nothing positive.  NOTHING. POSITIVE.  Just that layer of angst.

I wish I could have my life back.  The one where I was more care-free (I don't think I was ever care-free).  I worry about being unable to regain my status in my career. I dread the thought of my worst fear since childhood being realised... that I would not have a successful career.

Of course, I haven't been able to go workout for the last few weeks... Circumstances and  laziness on my part. I think it's been having an impact on my energy levels and potential for recovery.

Christmas is almost here... and I'd love to feel some holuday spirit.