Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest. Happy people piss me off.
It doesn't matter if its an advertisement or real people or celebrities or reading these oh-too-good-to-be-true family blogs... Happy people piss me off. Especially if they have what I want: at least one more child, a great job and an awesome life/work balance (and a REALLY good vacations somewhere warm or exotic).
Yes... I know I have a wonderful husband and an amazing child and a soon-to-be lovely home. But I want to enjoy them and stop going through the motions!
I once felt genuinely happy for happy people (rather than the trance like emptiness I currently feel). Hell, I was once a happy person. So, I know the feeling. I loved the feeling. It was wonderful to walk on air and know that life was great. Of course, I remember the concept... not the actual feeling. That feeling is gone.
And, that makes me feel bitter. Very bitter. Why can't I be experiencing those things again? Why have I been robbed of feeling all things good in life?
It's not fair.
I miss feeling happy. I miss the camaraderie of working and having a great career. I miss not wanting to be so invisible. Right now invisible is where I'm at. I want to hide in this dark basement and do nothing. Just disappear.
I don't even have anhedonia (aside from the degree of it that all depressed people experience) and I'm pissed off by happy people, too.
ReplyDeleteDid you find any of the links helpful, at least in letting you know that, as invisible as you wish you were, you aren't alone? What medication will you try once you have weaned yourself off Cymbalta? Do the pros have any other suggestions? What about your fellow sufferers?
Thanks. The links were helpful. I very much appreciate you sending them to me. Looks like we're going to give Cymbalta another go to try to minimise the panic/fear aspect of things. The pros? Apparently, I'm 'atypical' in my condition... Sigh. I always knew I was a non-conformist. :-)
ReplyDeletehappy people just don't see or accept how sad everything in life really is. that's sad.
ReplyDelete