I am a depressed Mom with a son.
However, if you weren't in my close inner circle of family and friends or one of the health care practitioners I've been seeing, you might not even notice anything wrong. In fact, it took me a little while to figure out that there was something wrong.
After months of emptiness, not feeling pleasure in anything, an inability to concentrate, general numbness and chronic exhaustion I started experiencing horrible panic attacks that lead to very odd behaviour. My formerly precise memory started to fade... I'd forget people who I'd known for considerable lengths of time. Looking back, I think I experienced a nervous breakdown.
After being a workaholic for most of my life, I called in sick for an important week, where my area of expertise was absolutely required. I couldn't function. I barely got off the couch (thankfully, I took my son to his day home each day, so I didn't have to worry about him).
Moving in a trance-like state, unable to concentrate, unable to feel joy in ANYTHING, I knew there was something seriously wrong. And, when I say unable to feel joy in anything... I mean ANYTHING. I would cuddle my son... feel nothing; I'd do something special with my fiance/common-law husband...feel nothing; laugh so hard at a TV program that my cheeks were hurting...feel nothing; receive accolades for my work...feel nothing. I feel nothing positive. No matter what I do. Oddly, I say that I'm excited, laugh, crack jokes, smile, and yet nothing - no positive emotion - connects to my brain. I don't feel it in my heart or anywhere I can consciously recognise.
Unfortunately, all the negative emotions exploded in my brain. I wasn't able to sleep; panic, fear and anger became constant companions.
I was grateful my doctor put me on sick leave right away. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety and anhedonia - something I wouldn't have even believed existed before I started experiencing it.
In case you're wondering, I don't drink alcohol or take illegal drugs (only prescription and over the counter and as per instructions). If you were to meet me, you might think that there's nothing wrong with me. I appear pretty 'normal' - whatever 'normal' means.
Now a few years in, I'd like to say that I'm feeling much better - able to function normally and that I'm back at work. Unfortunately, despite my efforts to get better, I am essentially the same as I was when I started writing this blog.
This blog will help me try to regain my life - and what I've lost - and ideally, I'll start to feel happiness again. Ultimately, I'd like to rename my blog, "Tales of a
If you're feeling depressed and alone in your journey, I hope my blog entries are of some comfort to you. You are not alone; other people experience this too. But, please. PLEASE. If you are feeling anxious, depressed, or suicidal, PLEASE contact your local mental health centre/distress centre or call 911. You might not realise it, but there are people who care... and there is hope. Keep pushing forward. You can get through this. That's what I'm trying to do, too.
Also, some of the things I try, say or do might not be the best for you (or me - as you'll find out in my blog). And, of course, things that have worked for other people may or may not work for you. Just be careful. Seek advice from a qualified professional like a doctor, counsellor, nurse etc. before trying any new treatment. You don't want to compromise your health or emotional well-being.
For now, I'm stuck as a zombie who suffers panic attacks. I am trying everything I can to find the semblance of a 'normal life'.
Hang in there,