Monday, 19 September 2011


Okay, it's been a while since I've posted, and lots has changed.  Well, not emotionally, but with respect to treatment.

I'm no longer attending group sessions.
I'm a bit choked about this.  The way the program is run, participants can only be in group for a maximum of two months/eight weeks.  My morning routine is gone; my opportunity to share and learn is gone; and I have no formal back-up plan to go to. 

Normally, people who 'graduate' from these sessions have a formal action plan, where the therapists and the psychologist help decide your next steps - other counselling options, organisations to contact etc.  Of course, I'm special.  Apparently, my lack of emotion has made it difficult for them to create an action plan. I was told one of the reasons I am stuck is my intelligence and 'sophisitcated thinking' which prevents me from experiencing emotion. They suggested I wait until I experience emotion again, then talk to my psychiatrist who will put me on a waiting list to see a psychologist. Huh? This pissed me off on some level... generating some degree of passion... well as much as possible in the given circumstances. 

In order for me to progress, I am supposed allow myself to experience emotion.  I said if it was that easy, I would have done it a while ago.  It's not like it's a tap that I can turn on and off.  I blame - at least in part - the anti-depressants for my flat mood.  Before the anti-depressants, I at least had extreme panic attacks, tears, rage, fear etc.  Now, it's virtually nothing.  Without any emotion, it is difficult to work on issues and move forward. So... with therapist and psychiatric approval...I decided to stop taking the anti-depressants.

No more anti-depressants.
It's been almost a week without anti-depressants, and I feel nothing.  I felt on the verge of tears at the Lion King this weekend... But no real emotion.  Grrr.

Losing my keys, losing my mind?
I'm so absent minded lately that I keep locking my keys in my car. State of mind???

I feel like I'm regressing.  I can't seem to set goals and follow-through with them.  My attention span is aboutthisbig. Sigh.

Next step?
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, and I hope we can come up with more of plan.