Why am I not happy? I don't know. I just wish the pain, anxiety, fear, and numbness will go away.
I was once happy. Ridiculously happy. What changed in my life to create this downward spiral?
I'm trying to be optimistic. Trying everything I can to overcome these feelings of despair. However, my inability to connect with anyone or anything in a positive way weighs on me heavily. What if I'll never get better? What if I'm never going to be happy again? What if I can never lead a normal life again?
I'm doing everything I can... baby steps. Trying to eat differently. Trying to get more sunshine (thankfully the weather is cooperating). Trying to get more exercise. Trying to become more centred. But the baby steps don't seem to be working, and I feel even more isolated than before.
To make matters worse, my fear of interacting with people - my fear of being seen in public - is becoming more common and more pronounced. I don't want to be afraid to leave my home. But I am.
I no longer enjoy leaving my home, even on some subliminal level. If I need to do something, I run out, get it done as fast as I can, and PRAY that no one will speak to me/look at me.
I am embarrassed about who I am and what I've become. I just want to be alone. Do nothing. Be nothing.
You are suffering enough, there's no need to make it worse by adding embarrassment on top of everything else. You didn't choose this, and this isn't who you are. This is temporary -- of that I am sure. Your "ridiculously happy," optimistic self cannot be squelched. You are under there, somewhere, wanting to be happy again. You will be.
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Thanks Jenni. Ditto for you. We just have to figure out how to find our happy 'cores'. Our true selves. Although I wish you weren't also experiencing this challenging journey.. you are too wonderful and too special to me... I am glad to have someone who I can share my most difficult times with. Ideally, we can heal together. That would be the best gift I could ask for - for both of us.
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