How I became Depressed Mom - Work

Well, if you're looking to know how I became a Mom, this isn't the right site (lame - I know).  How I became depressed though... I'm not sure.  I think it was a lot of stuff.  But, I'll never be sure what combination lead to it.

Today's entry will focus on work. Like my family, I'm a work-a-holic and a perfectionist.

When other little girls were dreaming of getting married and having kids, I dreamt of having a career.  That's all I wanted.  A successful career.  I excelled in school, and despite a few road bumps, in university too. After I received my degree, I worked very hard to build a reputation of excellence in my chosen field.  I had a wonderful job in mid-management in a well known industry for almost 10 years before I became pregnant.  Unfortunately, my fiance lived in a different city, which meant one of us would have to move.  The place where I worked was in a small town, and I yearned to return to the big city.  So, the choice seemed obvious.

Initially, I was thrilled to find a non-profit, big city job in my field.  My direct supervisor is a leader in my industry, and I was honoured to have him as my mentor.  The job itself was a couple rungs down the corporate ladder; I would no longer supervise a team or manage a budget, and there was a pay cut... about $20,000 a year less.  But, I convinced myself, I could handle it and learn new things.

And, I did.  I loved working for this organisation.  It was challenging. I had a chance to work with wonderful, dynamic people. Industry leaders.

I worked hard with my team mates... taking the lead role on various projects.  Streamlining things.  Using my skills.  I really enjoyed the challenges and making a difference. 

My coworkers are lovely, kind, hard-working, modest people. We'd go for coffee walks to Starbucks every morning, sharing our thoughts, ideas, laughter and lives. We'd take turns treating.  The people who participated in this daily ritual changed as workload increased and decreased, but it was so nice to enjoy each other's company.  We'd go for walks or lunch together. (I treasure these relationships and these activities continued until I left work. I miss that camaraderie.)

However, things started to change.  People started to leave the organisation. Some were fired, while others, like the supervisor I wanted to learn from, resigned.  These should have been warning signs, but I dismissed them.

New boss was hired.  At first, she seemed lovely too.  She fully admitted that she has an obsessive need to get things done - regardless of outcome.  She'd rather get something done incorrectly and apologise for mistakes later... because getting it done was the most important thing.  For me, getting it done takes a backstage to getting it done right. What I didn't realise was the impact her approach to work would have on me. 

In my previous job, my boss instilled the value of process.  What steps do we need to take to ensure everything is covered off?  Who needs to know? Who needs to approve? What makes legal sense? Is the information accurate? Who are the resources? What are the timelines? 

My boss would start projects without thinking them through, flying by the seat of her pants, leaving holes in the process and possibly putting our organisation at risk from legal and ethical perspectives. Obviously, this created an integral conflict.

The job pace picked up and became unmanageable.  Especially given my boss' need to get things done, and my need to get things done right.

My boss started dismissing my opinions and experience, as she seemed to view them as obstacles to getting work done.  She'd even 'shush' me in meetings, when I tried to bring up ethics or legal coverage.  I started to question if my approach was wrong.  Maybe ensuring that ethical and legal practices were being followed wasn't the norm in the big city?  But, I needed to ensure my conscience clear.  Thankfully, most other coworkers shared my desire to follow ethical and legal practices, so I had some support there.

To make matters worse, my boss always sided with a recent graduate, who was working in our department.  She seemed to value her opinion more than anyone else.  Okay, that's not just me being paranoid.  Many co-workers mentioned they thought my boss' relationship with the girl (yes... she is a girl) was odd.

From what I saw, the girl has significant emotional issues. Everyone who spoke to me said they felt like they were walking on eggshells around her.  Trying not to upset her.  She would cry at the drop of a hat over very little. And, when I say cry, I really mean freak-out.

The girl assumed her degree meant she was equal to any person working in the industry, regardless of how much experience the person has. She would brag about her skills, saying she knew all about a topic because she'd taken an hour session or a class about it.  Having worked in this industry for more than 20 years, I know it takes more than an hour of education or a class to understand a topic.  It's real-life experience that makes a difference.

This attitude meant this girl didn't want to do things that were below her... Like stuff envelopes or prepare packages (things pretty standard for rookies in my industry).  In my world, it doesn't matter who you are, if something needs to be done, you do it to ensure the project is complete.

My boss seemed to reinforce her image of herself - giving her plum projects, asking if it would be okay for the girl to do a menial task (of course, the girl would often say she was too busy with another task, so the job fell to other people). And, of course, guess who would pick-up the pieces.  Me. Of course, when I fixed things that were done incorrectly upon request of our President while the girl was away, my boss got angry with me, saying I should stay out of things (she later apologised).

The girl was also known to be a bit of a 'credit seeker'. She'd take credit for all sorts of work she had very little to do with.

Unfortunately, despite my successes (and there are quite a few!), I am the type of person who shares credit with everyone.  I usually downplay my work, to ensure that those who helped out - even a little bit - get acknowledged.  I try not to take credit for other people's work.

All of this, combined with a ridiculously fast-pace and long work hours, certainly contributed to my stress levels.  I know I'm severely burned out.  But is this the only reason I'm depressed? Probably not.  I've handled dysfunctional working relationships before.  This is just one piece of the Depressed Mom puzzle.