Attempts to Recover

I've been desperate to get better... if not for me, for my son.

When I first went on sick leave, I was shocked when the substitute doctor who wrote the note for my work didn't tell me what was next.  I then returned to the clinic, asked to see another doctor, who basically told me to get some exercise and eat better.  Well you try that when you're feeling so blue that getting out of bed poses to be a huge challenge.

I started to experience severe panic, so I called our local distress centre.  They suggested I speak to an emergency response unit.  Feeling so miserable, I agreed.  I met them at a local hospital, where I spent an entire hour in hysterical tears, using up an entire box of Kleenex, explaining my situation.  They recommended me to a psychiatrist and suggested I see a psychologist.

The psychologist was very kind and understanding.  She too suggested exercise, a better diet and breathing techniques. At first I thought she was a bit too new age-y,  but that was only the first day.  Since then, I've learned a lot from her wisdom and wholistic approach, and I see her once a week

Then, I finally saw my own doctor, who diagnosed me with major depressive disorder.  I was relieved to know that what I was experiencing wasn't completely foreign.   I was then put on Cymbalta.  We tried 30 mg, then 60 mg.  No difference.  When I saw the psychiatrist, he upped the medication to 90... None of it worked.

I was beside myself, and I've even tried massage and a naturopath.  My fingers are crossed that those will help too.

The psychiatrist then insisted I come into the hospital for various tests.  I can't explain how terrifying it was to be sitting in one of those rubber-rooms.  All I know is that I never want to be in one of those again.

Since then, I've been decreasing the Cymbalta... Still experiencing really bad panic episodes (not that those abated much while I was taking the large doses of medication).  Now I cry almost every day.  I still don't feel any happiness.  Only fear and all types of negative emotions magnified.  And, I worry about never getting better - despite assurances from the folks I've been seeing.

I try to keep things together for the sake of my family.  Easier said than done.  I'm finding it difficult to do the smallest of things, and all I want to do is sleep, hide and cry.