Without being able to connect in a positive way to anyone or anything, life has become lonely and dark. Anhedonia has taken over my life.
My life is about existing...not experiencing. If you knew me before this, you'd know that I tried to experience as much as possible, soaking in life whenever I could. Now life contains no pleasure; I'm just going through the motions. And, that's when I force myself to do things, or if it is out of necessity.
Things I once looked forward to are now just things to do (and things I force myself out of bed to do). I don't feel excitement or passion towards anything.
Anything that I accomplish... things that people compliment me on... doesn't feel like an accomplishment. There's no pride in what I do.
I don't taste food the way I once did. Nor do I feel an emotional connection to music.
Hugging and kissing my kid, listening to him 'read' books, tell stories or sing songs, watching him dance... these things once filled my heart with joy. Now there is blankness.
My husband, my dear, sweet, loving man, has been so patient and kind. But I don't feel the love and passion that I once did. It breaks my heart.
I know I love both my son and my husband more than anything in the world. But I don't feel it. Nothing. Blankness. A trance like state.
I've tried to visit museums, go to the mountains and do things that made me happy before. I've tried to remember the positive emotions from past experiences. Everything is coming up blank. Very blank.
This trance like state of anhedonia has made me feel very isolated. Unable to connect with people or things. Why face the disappointment of trying something, when you don't feel anything good? It's not as if I don't try. Every time I try, the crushing disappointment of feeling nothing weighs heavily on my spirit, making me feel broken. Alone. This lack of ability to connect is a living hell. It's like living a life you're not in... living it from a distance.
I keep hoping for miracles. For glimmers of happiness. But, they aren't happening as much as I had hoped (since February, I've experienced this glimmer three times... each for a few seconds).
I'm tired of being zoned out and not connecting and not caring. This anhedonia has created this brutal apathy about life... I don't care if my house is a mess, my fashion sense is questionable; I can't concentrate on much of anything. My life is in shambles... Despite my beautiful child and soul mate by my side.
Some days I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I'm tired of crying many times a day. I'm tired of being unable to move. I'm tired of taking medication that isn't working. I'm tired of feeling a panic much of the time... either just below the surface, or enough to make me feel nauseous and terrified (yes, I know panic won't hurt you, but it is a sickening feeling) bordering on hysterical.
I want some degree of normality back. And, I need to take some sort of action to make a difference. But, how do you try when you feel like all hope is gone? When you try to move, do something - anything - and you're stuck? And when you do something, you feel nothing good... just sadness over another failed attempt at something to re-energise your spirit. I'd like to find answers, so I can help others lost in this sea of darkness. And, I'd like to see the sunshine and experience it again myself.
D Mom, I have read your story to date and empathise with you totally - in relation to being a workaholic and perfectionist. I, too, have this dreadful anhedonia and can enjoy absolutely nothing, music, nature, movies, family you name it - with seconds of life here and there and then you realise how much of life you are missing, it's dire! Can I ask you, did you have the anhedonia before the AD's or did they bring the anhedonia on? AD's IMO are absolutely useless and cause more problems than they solve anhedonia being a major problem they can cause.
ReplyDeleteI have tried numerous remedies to get rid of the anhedonia, glutamine worked to a point, (I saw it mentioned and funnily enough trauma/stress did too - bring me back to life, which I read happened to another sufferer on the net - for a while). I wld be interested to know if the anhedonia occurred prior to the AD's.
Thinking of you - a fellow sufferer
Thank you for your comments, and I'm sincerely sorry that you too are suffering from this horrible illness. I never would have believed this kind of indifference/apathy/inability to feel anything positive could happen. I now that it has, it's truly horrible.
ReplyDeleteThe anhedonia started way before I was even diagnosed with depression. Actually, because I didn't feel 'depressed' I had no idea what was going on. It wasn't until after a few weeks of psychotherapy that I realised that what I was experiencing was a symptom of depression in 40% of people.
The anti-depressants have not made any difference (which I started taking after months of anhedonia). I've been taking 90 mg of Cymbalta daily. We've tried to reduce the dosage, but panic increased significantly, so we increased it again.
Right now I'm also trying a gluten, dairy and beef-free diet, with the hopes it might help. I've read that yoga, meditation and exercise may also be beneficial. However, if you're not feeling any positive reinforcement, it's difficult to try something to help the situation.
I hope that you feel much better soon. Hang in there, and please keep me posted.
D Mom, thanks for your response and sympathies. I believe, from what I have researched for years, that anhedonia may be related to adrenal burn out, which can affect changes in the negative feedback mechanisms in the brain and hence this anhedonia. As I pointed out earlier, I have had breakthroughs and it is bizarre, I WANT to listen to music, can't wait to see a TV program, love reading etc... feel really positive and this can happen over night. Hence, in my opinion this is a negative feedback mechanism gone wrong i.e. the HPA axis whereby the brain tells the adrenals and other glands what to do - otherwise there is no way something could switch on so quickly overnight - i.e. like brain neuron reqrowth, etc... it has to be a hormonal response that tells everything to 'switch on' and get going again! Unfortunately, it can disappear after several days, which may be due to your own mindset 'waiting for it to return' due to the enforced negativitiy for years. I believe yes, diet is v NB. I nearly turned it all around on low carb, but as you say it's V. difficult with no postive reinforcement feelings. Exercise - another thing I get zero positivity from (which agains fits the theory that the body is not programmed properly telling the glands to produce endorphins etc.. ) should help too, if you can stick doing it like a robot, with no feelings at all and no ipod with music on, as you can't stand the noise! - LOL.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments again. I appreciate your insights - especially about the adrenal glands being out of wack. That makes perfect sense. A non-stop go lifestyle and high stress... how could the adrenal glands NOT be affected.
ReplyDeleteHow long have you been struggling with anhedonia? And, which medications have you tried?
I do wish there was an overnight solution just as much as you do.
Are working at all? Right now, I'm on long term disability, as I've been on sick leave since March 2011. I can't see me going back to work until the anhedonia goes away. I just can't function the way I used to.
I am tempted to try electro shock therapy to kick start these feelings of happiness. Not sure if it will work, or create even more problems. Maybe I'll wait a few more months and see...
Thank you so much for being so helpful. I'm very grateful for you taking the time to share with me.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSadly I also suffer from this disgusting pointless condition.
I have suffered for many years now. My problems started at 17, and I'm 26 now. It's as though I've been robbed of a life. You could call my life completely meaningless.
I'm sorry to hear that there are other sufferers out there!
I've seen several specialists over the years, and the condition seems to remain the same.
I do hope there may be some solution, as I too, have lost faith and sadly those around you do not understand. Anhedonia is curse for a life!!
I've never abused any drugs and feel as though I am being tortured for something I haven't done.
I realise this post is nearly a year old. It would be good to hear from both of you.
Are both your symptoms still ongoing?? It's an unacceptable illness!!
First of all, THANK YOU for posting your comments. Before having anhedonia, I didn't realise it even existed. Now that I've experienced it - well, am experiencing it - I know how lonely and difficult it can be.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first figured out what was going on, it was difficult to find any 'real' information about this condition out there. Which, as you know, is a bit frightening too. You feel so alone, but when learn you're not the only one, it's a relief to find someone else who understands.
I know the feeling of being robbed of a life. It's so difficult. And, how do you let go of that thought, when you see others around you enjoying and exploring life.
I agree - it's unacceptable. But what can we do to change all this? Reclaim our lives? I think I'm tired of listening to specialists... How are we going to take action to change our worlds? Without positive reinforcement, things can feel pointless.
Please let me know how you're doing. I'm here for you, as someone who understands what you're going through.
Hi there. I love your blog and how real and transparent you are. I am sure this is helping many other people with similar struggles to keep persevering. I am a Certified Health and Life Coach and help my clients with many things like diet, lifestyle, depression, eating disorders, trauma, anxiety, and more.
ReplyDeleteI am currently trying to learn more about Anhedonia and how to help people with this difficult struggle. There can be so many reasons and it is all individual. I actually help my clients very individually as I don't feel like there is one answer, one way of living, or one way of eating that is right for everyone. We are all too different for that.
I hope things are going better for you. I do recommend that when you try things that involve diet or lifestyle changes you try them one at a time. Then you will know what is really making a difference for you.
I definitely agree that positive reinforcement is so necessary to keep moving forward. In my work I help my clients by giving them that support and reinforcement they need while also helping them to do the same for themselves. But since it is difficult to do for ourselves, especially in your situation, I play that role for them until they can take over.
I wish you ALL the best!
If you would like feel free to check out my website at www.wholemindedwellness.com. I have a free program series called "Healthfully and Happily Ever After" that is lifestyle and diet lessons based on fairytales. I certainly would never say it is the answer to all of your problems. But it should certainly help, and it is also fun. :-)
Best of luck to you!
Hello. These seem to be old posts, but I came across them while looking for answers to what I was experiencing. I'm new to this situation but developed this nonfeeling anything during a very, very stressful period of caretakjng for a dying mother and I also felt it was connected to the adrenal glands because at the same time i was extremely exhausted is when i could no longer feel and at that point i did not feel as though i was depressed. Since then the drs want to label it as depression. I also developed the inability to sleep at all. Now on meds for that. But I'm really new to this experience so would welcome any suggestions. I agree I'm living in hell
ReplyDeleteHello. These seem to be old posts but I came across them when searching for what I have been experiencing lately. I'm new to this situation and look ing for help. I thought i was the only one who was experiencing NO emotions. This is all new to me and drs label it as depression. I know it's much more. This came about as a very, very dress situation of caretaking for my dying mother. I am convinced it was associated wigh adrenal fatigue and not so much depression
ReplyDeleteI never felt depressed but happened at the exact time when i could push no further from exhaustion and lack of sleep. I now have the inability to sleep at all unless i take meds. I have another issue of sleep deprivation. I live al ok ne and find myself unbleached to leave the house because of the anhodonia. I hate being remjnded in everyone's face of the person I was just six months ago. It us like living in hell. Any suggestions on improving i would welcome immensely. Thank you!!
You are not alone, I don't know if your still going through Anhedonia but if you are, I'm here. I'm a mother and I know how hard it is. If you need support, I'd be glad to help.
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ReplyDeleteHi, Iam a mother with Anhedonia, I was curious to know if your Anhedonia has passed, I'm 4 months in and every day is unbearable.
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