Monday, 21 January 2013

Some Inspiration

I always wonder: if you've been suicidal all of your life, can you ever let go of the negativity, the cloud that seems to hover above you, even on the sunniest days?

I always worry there's no hope - no light. But today I found some.

I stumbled upon this story, Day 13 - How I Survived Myself, and I thought I'd share it with you.

Saturday, 19 January 2013


So, after all the nerves and angst as per the last blog entry, I cautiously drove to the new doctor's office.

When I arrived at the building, it was like a labyrinth. I wandered through the halls to find the office.

Imagine my surprise to learn that the doctor I was scheduled to see wasn't a psychiatrist at all, but another specialist for another health issue.

GROAN. How embarrassing! Such is my life.

Friday, 18 January 2013

Today's the Day...

Yup... Today's the day I visit my new psychiatrist. And, I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit anxious about it.

What if she doesn't believe that I'm depressed?  I can present as 'normal' sometimes... a facade, I know. But what if she doesn't see behind the mask I wear.

What if she doesn't actually listen to me? And, I get stuck with someone who doesn't end up helping me, but harming me - like the first psychiatrist I saw.

What if I get lost on the way there? Really. I'm not entirely sure where the office is despite our dear friend, Google Maps. (And, yes, you can laugh at's funny 'cause it's true).

What if I get distracted about why I'm going there? My Aunt is dying, and I spent all day yesterday at the hospital with her family. I'm feeling weary and tired. And overwhelmed. My relationship with my Aunt has always been a bit - shall we say - uncomfortable. In some ways, I have her to 'thank' - at least in part - to my current situation. It's a long story. I'm sure I could write an entire blog or book about it. Needless to say, there are some situations that will remain unresolved and an understanding of her never found.

Will the new psychiatrist put me into a straight jacket and stick me into the hospital?  Seriously. I mean what if she wants to put me away because I haven't got better - and in some ways have become worse off than I was two years ago...

Sigh. I guess these things will be resolved today. At least, I hope they will.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

New Year, New Opportunities???

Sorry, it's been a while since I've written in this blog. I've been feeling gloomy lately, and that can be a very dull read.

Life has been feeling overwhelming, and I've been trying to resist hibernating, hiding from the world. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being. But, still I push forward (slowly), for the sake of my son and husband.

I'm very grateful to have been seeing a counsellor, who is part of the local distress line. Thankfully, there's no cost to me, and she's been one of the best gifts I could ask for. She pushes (gently) and allows me to share without fear of judgement. She's provided a couple of suggested readings and website links I thought I'd share with you:

Self- Compassion
The Gifts of Imperfection:

I now have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I sincerely hope she is better than the last one. Of course, I'll keep you posted.

I'm also trying to practise gratitude daily. By expressing thanks for situations, people, things - the gifts that enter your life - everyday, you change your neuropathways (even if you can't tell right away) and re-learn how to focus on the positive.  It feels insincere to express gratitude, especially when I'm feeling blue. But, I will continue to do so until it doesn't feel insincere, until I feel it in my heart.

Despite being tired of the fight, I will continue, and I urge those going through a tough time to push through as well. Please keep hoping. Even though it might not be apparent, there is a light (even if it's just a pin-prick right now) at the end of the tunnel. 

I stumbled upon this article about a woman who believes that being kidnapped saved her life.  At 10 years old, she was a victim of horrific abuse, then kidnapped for 17 days. When she was rescued, she was moved out of the abusive environment where she was living and into foster care, where she was nurtured and treated with respect. She now is happily married with children wants to become a motivational speaker. I'd go see her.

The lesson? Remember, you never know when or how something extremely negative - like what I and some of you are going through - will turn into a positive. Just hang in there and try to find the light in the darkness.