Friday, 24 February 2012

Latest update...

So, the panic attacks have returned... So much for feeling no positive and negative emotion.  And, my medication has been upped to 150 mg of Effexor, in addition to 30 mg of Adderal each day.

I'm going to see a psychometrist and a psychologist in April to further refine and label what I'm experiencing (with the hopes of getting better).

My disability insurance lady is going to hook me up - sometime soon - with someone who will help me navigate through my illness with the hopes of full recovery (fingers crossed).

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

This is not what I had envisioned...

As a child, dreaming of my future, I always pictured wonderful career with travel (and me writing... writing... writing), a husband who is my shining soul mate, beautiful kids and being tremendously happy. Tremendously happy.

Part of that is true. I'm with my soul mate and have the most precocious precious son a Mommy could ask for. I'm madly in love with the two men in my life.  But the rest, wasn't as I planned.

If  my teenage, or young self, could have predicted this, they would have been horrified.  I have  become my worst nightmare... Well, not quite. If I gained 100 pounds, took up smoking and drinking diet Coke all day, THAT would be my worst nightmare.

I never wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom... Not that there is anything wrong with that... Because I've seen many ways that stay-at-home Mom's make it work and embrace their inner spirit, continuing to be who they are and blooming.  But, it's not in my nature to be one of them. My nature is more outside the home. Thankfully, we can still afford to send my son to a day home.  It makes my life easier - especially with all the appointments. And, it helps me feel less guilty for not 'being there' as much as I feel I should be for my son.

Now that I'm 42 (or will be soon), I want to have a life I am proud to be living, instead of cowering at home. Ineffective. Embarrassed to be who I am. Embarrassing.

How do I get my life back on track? Be the person I was meant to be?

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

I am sad...

... and I don't know if that's a bad thing.

After a couple of months of experiencing NO emotion, I'm starting to feel stuff... Like anxiety about leaving the comfort of my home. Or sadness. The kind of dull sadness that makes you want to weep at the drop of a hat. Weep - not the hysterical cry of a person grieving - just the whimpers of someone who is almost uncertain about how to feel.

This could be a good thing. Maybe I am starting to be ready to deal with all of issues that lead to me becoming this way.  Really. I mean how could I - who had everything anyone could ask for - a wonderful husband and child, a successful career, a beautiful home (in progress, but still...), and adventures at her fingertips - have sunk so deep and become a ghost, wandering through a world, unable to feel or make a difference. Maybe I 'need' to feel sad to confront these demons - to move out of this darkness.

Of course, this new found sadness could be because of a combination of things... I'm supposed to go for a psychological evaluation... which I'd like to do, but I'm scared to do (I still haven't called the psychologist's office back). Or maybe it's because I have to complete a form that says I'm not fit to do any work (this would be for my line of credit insurance). Or maybe, my medication is starting to be ineffective.  Or, the other possibility, PMS.

Don't know.

All I know is that I just want to crawl into a ball and ignore the world. Can I do that?

Saturday, 4 February 2012

My son

My Mom brought my son home from the day home the other day, and I was sleeping in the spare (formerly my) bedroom. As I lay there and he came to join me, I realised that many of his memories of his Mom will be of me lying in bed, not feeling well.  Or, of him saying, "Mommy has a doctor's appointment."

It  scared me. Really scared me. My son should have memories of time in the park or at the zoo... Not of a Mom who is too sick to interact with him.

Okay, admittedly, I did just have a tooth removed ('complex procedure' involving stitches), and I am in a considerable amount of physical pain.  But, it still worries me.  The little guy deserves more.  Now the question is, how can I give him more? Not sure, as right now any time I move too much or get my pulse rate up, I am in extreme pain - despite the pain killers.

I still need to give him more... Now and when my mouth/jaw/gaping hole feels better.