Right now, I'm feeling crushed. Betrayed.
I asked my husband to NOT say anything about my condition to his family. Unfortunately, his brother's former girlfriend experienced some mental health issues several years ago, and the stigma haunts conversations even now... many years after they had broken up.
I only want people who I can feel safe with... not judged by... to know about my situation. It's been such a painful and difficult experience that I need to feel safe.
He explained that he let his brother know what I was going through in an effort to wrap his mind around my situation. My husband said his brother would be discreet. I'm upset. Not because I don't trust my brother-in-law, per se... but because it's a hard story for me to share.
The fear of judgement. The fear of stigma. The fear that my husband doesn't love me any more now that I'm broken. The fear that I'll be alone. Unloved. Unwelcome. Permanently labeled the 'crazy' or 'mentally ill' one.
I'm not ready for people to know - beyond the little circle of friends I've entrusted in my 'circle of truth.
I know my husband didn't say these things to hurt me. He spoke to his brother because he needed to share. To express himself. Not because he wanted to make me feel worse.
I love him very much. And, I don't want HIM to look at me differently. By sharing with his brother, I feel like he doesn't see me the same any more. And, perhaps, that his love for me is fading. And, that would break my heart. Destroy me.
Early in our relationship, my husband confessed that he had told his best friend about my depression. I wasn't upset, as I hadn't specified that my condition was to be kept secret, but it did make me think about the impact that depression has on others. Your husband is doing what he needs to do in order to process this. As hurtful as his action was, it is good that he is concerned enough to want to deal with the issue. For better or worse, right? He is trying to navigate through "worse" and could use some input from someone who has been there.
ReplyDeleteI wish that you felt safer. It is sad that you live in fear of judgement and stigma from loved ones, some of whom are surely suffering from mental-health issues of their own -- in silence, like you. I think that you are (in spite of being a non-conformist!) similar to most sufferers in your fear. Perhaps it is a side-effect of Prozac that I am comfortable talking about my depression with just about anyone. I have been very fortunate, as I have never been made to feel ashamed. (My granddad found out I was taking Prozac and said to me, "But isn't that for crazy people?" Rather than making me feel bad, it made me laugh, and it also confirmed that I don't appear "crazy" to my loved ones.) Sometimes people hear my story and feel comfortable enough to share their own experiences. It is very reassuring. I hope that you are able to find some support through fellow sufferers online, if not in person.
Actually, I read him my blog entry after it was posted last night, and he explained that he didn't share the information from a hurtful place. It slipped out during a conversation they were having. He said he loves me no matter what, and that I'm not broken. I don't feel so bad now (other than for making him feel bad on Father's Day argh!). I feel reassured. He's a really good man. And, I am grateful for him everyday.
ReplyDeleteI think it will be easier to share my story with more people in my life once I start to feel better. Once I can wrap my mind around solutions, rather than just the problem.
I'm grateful to you, Jenni, for blazing the trails for people like us. You make it so much easier to talk about this (or write this blog). I admire your strength and humour... and perspective. I learn so much from you. And, I am proud to say that you come up in sessions with my psychologist and psychiatrist as an inspiration and an unending source of support. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Love ya!
Love you too! I'm so glad that I can help in some little way.
ReplyDeleteI have NO idea whether this would be helpful to you or an unwelcome responsibility, but I have friends who will be moving to your city this year and I thought that getting to know them might be a good distraction for you. The fellow works, the mom stays home with their toddler daughter. The mom might appreciate connecting with a "local." I haven't said anything to them about yet. Just something for you to consider.