About Depressed Mom

I am a depressed Mom of a three year old boy.

However, if you weren't in my close inner circle of family and friends or one of the health care practitioners I've been seeing, you might not even notice anything wrong.  In fact, it took me a little while to figure out that there was something wrong. 

After months of emptiness, not feeling pleasure in anything, an inability to concentrate, general numbness and chronic exhaustion I started experiencing horrible panic attacks that lead to very odd behaviour. My formerly precise memory started to fade... I'd forget people who I'd known for considerable lengths of time. Looking back, I think I experienced a nervous breakdown.

After being a workaholic for most of my life, I called in sick for an important week, where my area of expertise was absolutely required.  I couldn't function.  I barely got off the couch (thankfully, I took my son to his day home each day, so I didn't have to worry about him).

Moving in a trance-like state, unable to concentrate, unable to feel joy in ANYTHING, I knew there was something seriously wrong.  And, when I say unable to feel joy in anything... I mean ANYTHING, or at least anything positive.  I would cuddle my son... feel nothing; I'd do something special with my fiance/common-law husband...feel nothing; laugh so hard at a TV program that my cheeks were hurting...feel nothing; receive accolades for my work...feel nothing.  I feel nothing positive.  No matter what I do.  Oddly, I say that I'm excited, laugh, crack jokes, smile, and yet nothing connects to my brain.  I don't feel it in my heart or anywhere I can consciously recognise.

Unfortunately, all the negative emotions exploded in my brain.  I wasn't able to sleep; panic, fear and anger became constant companions.

I was grateful my doctor put me on sick leave several months ago.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anhedonia - something I wouldn't have even believed existed before I started experiencing it.

In case you're wondering, I don't drink alcohol or take illegal drugs (only prescription and over the counter and as per instructions).  If you were to meet me, you might think that there's nothing wrong with me.  I appear pretty 'normal' - whatever 'normal' means.

I'd like to say that I'm feeling much better - able to function normally and that I'm back at work, but despite my efforts to get better, I'm still the same as I was several months ago.

This blog will help me try to regain my life - and what I've lost - and ideally, I'll start to feel happiness again.

By sharing my journey (there are lots more details to come), I also hope to help those in similar situations.