Not feeling ANY positive emotion (i.e. joy, love, pride, happiness... you get the gist) prevents balance in life. This means that every real or perceived slight or negative comment suddenly becomes amplified so much that it becomes traumatic. Things that normally wouldn't phase me, now seem like the end of the world - literally.
Yesterday, I was chatting with my dear husband, and he mentioned that someone might be offended by something I did out of kindness. Normally, this wouldn't have phased me at all, as it was something somewhat insignificant and out of my control. I took it to be the end of the world. I was devastated. I didn't want to offend this person whom I respect.
I spent the rest of the evening in hysterical tears - thinking how my life was over. Hence the title - elevens. My nose was dripping snot so badly that it looked like I had elevens under my nose. The tears didn't want to stop. I was in so much emotional pain that my body literally hurt to my finger tips.
Now, I'm not the type of person who cries dainty tears. Nope. Not me. I cry so hard that my eyes are barely visible under my puffy eyelids. Honestly, I look freakish for several days.
I just wanted to end my humiliation. My incompetence. My 'wrongness'. My inability to fit in the world. I was desperate.
Crazy, right? If it wasn't for my child and husband, I would have ended it all over a minor embarrassment (if that... I don't even know if the person would have been offended).
I realised that perhaps my increasing fear of going outside or being in public view is possibly because of this significant increase in negative emotion. My fear of being judged harshly - whether real or imagined - is reducing my ability to go out into the world. And the reason that I feel all negative emotions more intensely is because I don't have the positive emotions to balance it all out. If I can't feel goodness, the badness is much worse. Much, much worse.
How do I end this trap? This cycle of chronic mental pain and anguish? I'm searching and trying. And trying... And trying...
I had never heard of "elevens" before. That being said, I cry like you cry. I think that's how most real people cry. Not those tiny, fake TV tears, but big, burning ones that run down your face and mix in with the "elevens." My eyes are bloodshot at the best of times, and when I cry they practically glow red. The first time I read a decent description of "ugly" crying was in the Margaret Atwood novel Lady Oracle: "I never learned to cry with style, silently, the pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes, as on the covers of True Love comics, leaving no smears or streaks. I wished I had; then I could have done it in front of people, instead of in bathrooms, darkened movie theatres, shrubberies and empty bedrooms, among the party coats on the bed. If you could cry silently people felt sorry for you. As it was I snorted, my eyes turned the colour and shape of cooked tomatoes, my nose ran, I clenched my fists, I moaned, I was embarrassing..."
ReplyDeleteOne thing that is very clear from your posts is that you are still able to maintain perspective when you aren't in the thick of your negative emotions. You realize that your reactions are due to viewing things through the lens of depression. This is a real asset, and one that will help you through this hell. It is often overachievers and perfectionists who suffer from depression, but those don't have to be only negative attributes: your intelligence and insight are exactly what will eventually allow you to find your way out of this.