Ghost

I am a ghost.  Floating through this world.  Never quite connecting to anything or anyone.  Only uncertainty. Fear. Anxiety. Veils of fear and anxiety everywhere I go.

I don't feel. Even when I touch the people around me, I am not making contact.  Everything is hollow.

I am not a part of this world.

I am alone.

I am in a trance.

I am amongst the living dead. Existing. Not feeling.

A ghost.

Frustrated

After months of medication and therapy, I'm not feeling ANY better. 

I've tried everything can think of:

• Trying a gluten-free, dairy-free, beef-free diet
• Exercising five days a week; sessions last anywhere from a half hour to an hour (most of them last an hour)
• Getting as much Vitamin D as possible
• Participating in group therapy sessions for an hour each week day
• Taking my medication as prescribed
• Meditating when I can
• Practicing being 'present' in the moment
• Going out with my son as much as possible
• Maintaining a routine, where I still go to the Market, run errands etc.

Unfortunately, I'm still sleeping excessively and feel NOTHING positive. Now, thanks to my medication, I'm also not feeling anything negative - just ongoing apathy.  At least the panic and social anxiety isn't bad.  It doesn't exist.  I just feel ghost-like.

I met with a team consisiting with a psychiatrist, a medical doctor and the nurse who leads group therapy today.  We've decided to switch medications to see if there is any difference.  My fingers are crossed that it will make a difference.  I'm extremely frustrated by the lack of progress.

Anhedonia... a Lonely, Dark Life

Without being able to connect in a positive way to anyone or anything, life has become lonely and dark.  Anhedonia has taken over my life. 

My life is about existing...not experiencing.  If you knew me before this, you'd know that I tried to experience as much as possible, soaking in life whenever I could.  Now life contains no pleasure; I'm just going through the motions.  And, that's when I force myself to do things, or if it is out of necessity.

Things I once looked forward to are now just things to do (and things I force myself out of bed to do).  I don't feel excitement or passion towards anything.

Anything that I accomplish... things that people compliment me on... doesn't feel like an accomplishment.  There's no pride in what I do.

I don't taste food the way I once did.  Nor do I feel an emotional connection to music.

Hugging and kissing my kid, listening to him 'read' books, tell stories or sing songs, watching him dance... these things once filled my heart with joy.  Now there is blankness.

My husband, my dear, sweet, loving man, has been so patient and kind.  But I don't feel the love and passion that I once did.  It breaks my heart.

I know I love both my son and my husband more than anything in the world.  But I don't feel it.  Nothing. Blankness.  A trance like state.

I've tried to visit museums, go to the mountains and do things that made me happy before.  I've tried to remember the positive emotions from past experiences.  Everything is coming up blank.  Very blank.

This trance like state of anhedonia has made me feel very isolated.  Unable to connect with people or things.  Why face the disappointment of trying something, when you don't feel anything good?  It's not as if I don't try.  Every time I try, the crushing disappointment of feeling nothing weighs heavily on my spirit, making me feel broken. Alone.  This lack of ability to connect is a living hell.  It's like living a life you're not in... living it from a distance.

I keep hoping for miracles.  For glimmers of happiness.  But, they aren't happening as much as I had hoped (since February, I've experienced this glimmer three times... each for a few seconds).

I'm tired of being zoned out and not connecting and not caring.  This anhedonia has created this brutal apathy about life... I don't care if my house is a mess, my fashion sense is questionable; I can't concentrate on much of anything.  My life is in shambles... Despite my beautiful child and soul mate by my side.

Some days I don't know how much longer I can hang on.  I'm tired of crying many times a day. I'm tired of being unable to move.  I'm tired of taking medication that isn't working.  I'm tired of feeling a panic much of the time... either just below the surface, or enough to make me feel nauseous and terrified (yes, I know panic won't hurt you, but it is a sickening feeling) bordering on hysterical.

I want some degree of normality back. And, I need to take some sort of action to make a difference. But, how do you try when you feel like all hope is gone?  When you try to move, do something - anything - and you're stuck?  And when you do something, you feel nothing good... just sadness over another failed attempt at something to re-energise your spirit.  I'd like to find answers, so I can help others lost in this sea of darkness.  And, I'd like to see the sunshine and experience it again myself.