My psychiatrist recommended I try group therapy. So, every weekday this summer, I'll be spending an hour as an out patient attending a therapy session.
It started on Tuesday, and the participants seemed nice enough. It made me sad that so many wonderful people are experiencing such darkness. I sat and cried as people shared their stories.
Today, the facilitators asked me to share some of my experiences. It was easy at the time, but afterwards I felt bitterly sad. I am terrified of tomorrow's session. I don't want to talk. I'm content sitting in the background, listening to the others.
I worry that I'm the worst off in the group. That my dark side, which remains hidden for the most part, is more dire than other members can ever dream. My thing is that I 'project well'... I've become so adept at hiding my feelings that I seem to be very normal... even cheerful. Of course, that makes it difficult to get help or show that I need help.
The one thing I can say is that I'm very grateful I'm not alone... but devastated that such wonderful, hard-working people are experiencing similar things.
Be brave and share your feelings, otherwise you are defeating the purpose of attending the group meetings! I found that the PPD support group I went to was very helpful. I, too, often tended to paste a smile on my face and even used humour as a shield, but I forced myself share the rawest of feelings. Whenever I did so, other members would admit to experiencing the same or very similar things. It was well worth it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support, Jenni. It's been difficult. Everytime I share my feelings, I freak out afterwards. It's so uncomfortable for me to share my darkest thoughts - despite this blog.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard, I really do. It has taken me many years (and lots of Prozac) to become as open as I have about my depression. The more I talked about it, the more comfortable I was doing so. Friends aren't awkward around me or avoiding me; on the contrary, they are understanding and supportive. I am sure that you have a network of wonderful friends, since you are so wonderful yourself, and you might be pleasantly surprised by how kind they are if you are open with them.
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