The word 'feelings' brings to mind a song from the seventies that was oh-so-popular with beauty queen talent-shows. Sigh. But, feelings are so important.
It's odd... When it comes to expressing gratitude towards other people, it's easy. I'm the one who always notices new haircuts, outfits and remember special days. I even recognise the positives in strangers. I always say 'thanks', and I have an outwardly positive attitude. And, I'm - for the most part - sincere in my words (not that I feel them anymore).
However... and this is a big HOWEVER... I have significant difficulties talking about my dark feelings... expressing sadness or any negative feelings. They become buried in my body... trapped. It seems inappropriate to share my sadness... out loud...with folks. I never want to be a 'Debbie downer." Even my brother noted I never talk about my inner darkness - only the positives.
So, where does this come from? Well, it could be that whenever I try to express anger or frustration to my Mom, she interrupts me and tells me what is 'good' about the situation. Basically, I'm not 'allowed to share anything bad that I'm feeling. I often joke that if she came face-to-face with the devil, she would find something nice to say about him. This means that I've been conditioned to not share more negative emotions with my mother - or others.
There's also the bit about socialising... People want to be with people who make them feel good, not energy vampires. So, I don't bring stuff up because I don't want to scare people away. This also means I find it difficult to be around people, for fear I'll share something that makes them not like me.
It's also this feeling that I don't want to be perceived as imperfect... flawed... and talked about. This probably comes from my Mom as well. This fear of "What will people say?" has been embedded in my brain. (When I talk about being on sick leave, I usually blame another one of my medical conditions and don't mention the emotional toll - for fear of being stigmatised).
So, I am in this shadow of darkness... hiding my true feelings... and trapped. I am grateful for the ability to share anonymously through this blog, where I feel safe and invisible.
Oh my friend, recognizing where your tendencies come from is a great way to start changing them. Your mother's Polyanna approach is not helpful. You don't want to raise your son the same way, I presume, and the best way to prevent that is to fight your way out of the old, damaging habits.
ReplyDeleteAs for being a Debbie Downer or an energy vampire, I think you're underestimating people. Friends are there to support you, not just to have fun. In my experience, people tend to appreciate it when others are able to discuss their weaknesses. It makes everyone more comfortable sharing their trials and their flaws. Relationships of all kinds are strengthened by working through difficulties together.
I don't know if any of this rings true with you right now, but I hope you will be brave enough to try sharing with your friends and family (besides your mom). You are viewing life through the lens of depression right now. I've been there and I know how skewed one's perspective can become.
I'm rooting for you.
You're a wonderful friend, and I am exceptionally lucky to know you. Thank you for your support.
ReplyDeleteRight now, the best I can do is to try to be 'out there' for my kid. It will be a pretty social weekend (two public events and one family event), and I need my strength to get through them... for my son's sake.
You're right, though. The depression filter makes it so difficult to see anything differently. It`s this horrible cycle... I need to feel strong to share... and to get stronger I need to share... ARGH...
You ARE strong. I just read today's post, and the fact that you are attending not one, not two but THREE social events is evidence of that. I don't force myself to get out that much even when I'm perfectly well! You need to give yourself more credit, because your strength is amazing. So many people would give up, and you refuse to do that. Keep posting, keep following the doctor's orders, and keep the faith that the true you will emerge again.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenni! I wish I was as optimistic as you are... :-)
ReplyDeleteYou can't be optimistic in your condition. Having been through hell and back myself, however, I know that recovery is possible.
ReplyDeleteYou're my inspiration... Trying hard...
ReplyDelete