Self pity... Woe is me...Boo hoo...

I think the title says it all.

Do you know what it's like to me?  I really, sincerely hope not.  No one should have to go through this hell. Not even me... LOL.

Do you know what it's like to know you're in love with your husband and kid and NOT FEEL A THING? See breath-taking scenery, share stories and hugs with the little people in your life, try to EXPERIENCE the beauty of life and NOT FEEL A THING?

I know.

Do you know what it's like being a zombie (well, a tiny bit less so now that I'm off Effexor), who suffers from panic and fear (more so than when I was on Effexor)?

I know.

Do you know what it's like when you feel panic, rage and fear in situations and circumstances that never made you feel like that before?

I know.

Do you know what it's like to feel manipulated by an insurance company and their 'policies' to accept a settlement package?

I know.

Okay, I haven't accepted anything. But I do feel let down by their sneaky tactics. They aren't looking out for me (like they said they would). They're looking out for their bottom line. Not certain what to do, I did an on-line search. Not good news. Because 'depression' is considered a self-reporting illness, the insurance companies take FULL ADVANTAGE of the grey areas - and try not to pay out individuals beyond the 'inability to work within own profession' - or the two year period. And of course, legally, there's a lot of wiggle room there. Sadly, to the advantage of the insurance company. The insurance companies are making people sick. VERY SICK. No one should be bullied by an insurance company - or an employer.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. And, for that, I'm very sad....  NO ONE should feel this way. Let me repeat: NO ONE SHOULD FEEL THIS WAY. Even you - if you're reading this and feeling sad.

Thank you INSURANCE COMPANY. Not only am I sick, but you've robbed me of the chance to even envision a future. Assholes (sorry for the language). How many people have you done this to? How many people have ended their lives because they couldn't reason with unreasonable faces? Sick bastards. How do you fight them? I even read an article about a person who was told that because she was fighting too hard for the insurance, she wasn't sick enough to get it. HOW RIDICULOUS!

Not sure what I can do to end this bullying. HELP!

Frustrated

After months of medication and therapy, I'm not feeling ANY better. 

I've tried everything can think of:

• Trying a gluten-free, dairy-free, beef-free diet
• Exercising five days a week; sessions last anywhere from a half hour to an hour (most of them last an hour)
• Getting as much Vitamin D as possible
• Participating in group therapy sessions for an hour each week day
• Taking my medication as prescribed
• Meditating when I can
• Practicing being 'present' in the moment
• Going out with my son as much as possible
• Maintaining a routine, where I still go to the Market, run errands etc.

Unfortunately, I'm still sleeping excessively and feel NOTHING positive. Now, thanks to my medication, I'm also not feeling anything negative - just ongoing apathy.  At least the panic and social anxiety isn't bad.  It doesn't exist.  I just feel ghost-like.

I met with a team consisiting with a psychiatrist, a medical doctor and the nurse who leads group therapy today.  We've decided to switch medications to see if there is any difference.  My fingers are crossed that it will make a difference.  I'm extremely frustrated by the lack of progress.