Self pity... Woe is me...Boo hoo...

I think the title says it all.

Do you know what it's like to me?  I really, sincerely hope not.  No one should have to go through this hell. Not even me... LOL.

Do you know what it's like to know you're in love with your husband and kid and NOT FEEL A THING? See breath-taking scenery, share stories and hugs with the little people in your life, try to EXPERIENCE the beauty of life and NOT FEEL A THING?

I know.

Do you know what it's like being a zombie (well, a tiny bit less so now that I'm off Effexor), who suffers from panic and fear (more so than when I was on Effexor)?

I know.

Do you know what it's like when you feel panic, rage and fear in situations and circumstances that never made you feel like that before?

I know.

Do you know what it's like to feel manipulated by an insurance company and their 'policies' to accept a settlement package?

I know.

Okay, I haven't accepted anything. But I do feel let down by their sneaky tactics. They aren't looking out for me (like they said they would). They're looking out for their bottom line. Not certain what to do, I did an on-line search. Not good news. Because 'depression' is considered a self-reporting illness, the insurance companies take FULL ADVANTAGE of the grey areas - and try not to pay out individuals beyond the 'inability to work within own profession' - or the two year period. And of course, legally, there's a lot of wiggle room there. Sadly, to the advantage of the insurance company. The insurance companies are making people sick. VERY SICK. No one should be bullied by an insurance company - or an employer.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. And, for that, I'm very sad....  NO ONE should feel this way. Let me repeat: NO ONE SHOULD FEEL THIS WAY. Even you - if you're reading this and feeling sad.

Thank you INSURANCE COMPANY. Not only am I sick, but you've robbed me of the chance to even envision a future. Assholes (sorry for the language). How many people have you done this to? How many people have ended their lives because they couldn't reason with unreasonable faces? Sick bastards. How do you fight them? I even read an article about a person who was told that because she was fighting too hard for the insurance, she wasn't sick enough to get it. HOW RIDICULOUS!

Not sure what I can do to end this bullying. HELP!

Depressed Mom - Update

It's been a while since my last update.  Sorry about that.

A lot has been going on.

Insurance Company Settlement Offer
The stress of deciding whether or not to accept the settlement offer from the insurance company and my employer weighs on me heavily.  I keep reading horror stories from people saying that they had significant problems with the insurance company (before and) after they rejected the settlement offer.

I saw my doctor about the issue, and she said she didn't know if I'd be better in a month, or by July, or in a year.  She couldn't project my health.  She suggested that I continue to go through the hoops of long term disability, but ONLY IF I think I won't be forced to endure grief from the insurance company.  Sadly, I am worried that my recovery will be compromised by whatever decision I make. 

WHAT IF I NEVER GET BETTER?  WHAT IF THIS IS MY LIFE FROM NOW ON?  I wouldn't be able to cope.  And, I don't think I would be long for this world.  (Sorry for my frankness, but it's true... I would rather die than endure the torture from the insurance company). I am filled with worry and 'what if's'.

Of course, all of this makes sense.  The insurance company is banking on my fears of being cancelled to force me to accept a settlement offer that I might not be ready for. It is sick... VERY SICK. The insurance companies manipulating people who are sick - making them more sick - for their own financial benefit.

I will wait to talk to my lawyer... See what she suggests.

Psychiatrist
My psychiatrist dropped me... Of course, I started to cry.  He said he's gone as far as he could with me, so he referred my case back to my doctor (NOTE: first communication with my doctor). Basically, because I wasn't compatible with group therapy and I wasn't getting better/getting worse, I was told that I should visit my doctor for help. I feel abandoned. Translation: being a zombie with panic attacks is considered a cure and/or acceptable by the psychiatric community. Pretty pathetic.

Effexor Withdrawal
If you're depressed and taking anti-depressants, be VERY careful about which ones you take. Do your research before you pop a pill. Of course, if you're like me, you're too depressed to do research and discover the impacts of medication - when you're on it and when you decide to stop taking it.  I learned that antidepressants - which are supposed to be non-addictive - can create depressive symptoms as a withdrawal symptom. This makes you think you're still depressed and need to continue taking the medications.  I'd suggest you read The Anti-Depressant Antidote or Taking Anti-Depressants if you're considering taking or discontinuing the medication.

Tired of being a zombie with panic-attacks, DESPERATE to experience positive emotion, and wanting to know if I could function without them, I decided to stop taking the medication.  I tapered off my usage, and it's been horrible. The physical side-effects were (and are) brutal. And, now that I'm no longer on the medication, I don't know if it made a real difference in my life.  I don't feel happiness (although now I start to cry when something would have made me happy in the past); my anxiety levels haven't increased (or decreased), but the occurrence of anxiety has increased. Groan.  I don't know if it was a good decision to stop taking it, but something had to give.

I don't want to remain on medication forever... I want to be able to move on and live a 'normal' life... Whatever that might be.

Physical Sickness
I missed out on one of the nicest summers in recent history because of surgeries and illness. I'm still physically not well. Thankfully, I've enrolled in a pain clinic to help me out with my physical issues.