The tooth hurts

Just feeling whiny... My tooth hurts lots, and I'm trying to go see the dentist as soon as humanly possible.  But why can I feel physical pain and nothing else? Not fair.

Sigh.

At least the tooth pain is distracting me from my mental health concerns. LOL

Dr.'s Appointment

Today, I saw my psychiatrist again.

I've been experiencing odd memory loss (i.e. knowing what an object does, but being unable to name it - these are every day objects like a saw, watering can etc.; being unable to remember/follow the conversation I am involved in; driving in the wrong lane (a couple seconds at best) because I thought a street was a one way) and migraines, quite severe migraines, lately.  This is over the past three weeks or so. I shared this information with him, and he suggested I take a psychological evaluation. He also is worried about my driving and threatened to take  away my driver's licence temporarily. But, he said that it was unlikely that I've suffered brain damage (????), so he'll wait until the psych exam is complete... and we'll revisit it.

On the 'good news' side, he did complete my insurance form for my VISA Card.  Yeah! I guess that means my bill will be paid. Whew!

One more nice thing... he did think I was only 33... LOL. Anyone over the age of 35 would appreciate that...

Dark curtain surrounds me...

A dark curtain surrounds me, and I wish I could see some light, or even glimpse outside of it.

I don't know why I'm feeling so tired... and an odd thing has been happening. I forget words for simple things - like watering cans. I am so confused. Frustrated.

And my brain feels like it's shaking, when I don't have a pounding headache, that is.

Call from Disability Insurance Folks...

Today, I received my monthly call from the long term disability lady... She seems very sweet.

I realised that whenever I talk to her, I talk in the present... So, whatever I say represents the right now, not what I've been going through over the last month... I share what is true for the moment.

The good news is that I'll be assigned a 'health counsellor', ideally next month. This person would help me navigate the health care process with the goal of easing myself back to work. My intellect says  this is a great thing; I need help to survive this ghost-like non-existence.  However, I am too neutral to care one way or another.

I am still exhausted today... and eating way too much. I hope to get out today, despite the chilly temperatures... I think I am more prone to sit still at home...even with my little guy here.

Exhaustion and hunger...

I don't know why I'm feeling particularly exhausted, apathetic and hungry lately... I can barely stay awake, and to fend off exhaustion, I've been eating.  I wonder if it's the medication... or perhaps something else.  I don't know.

The distracted robot...

I feel like  a distracted robot... Things that gave pleasure, no longer do.  And, I can't keep my focus on one thing long enough... TV shows, movies, books, magazines, games... you name it.  I am a zombie... Waiting for rescue. I think, if I could, I would just sit, stare and sleep... If  it wasn't for my son, I'm not sure how long I could hold out this way.  I don't have the energy to act on anything, though.  Sigh.

I just can't...

Every day I try... I try to have a quasi-normal life... I try to return to who I was... But I can't.

Today, my husband and I went out to pick out some tile for our bathrooms. I wasn't gone for very long, and I was exhausted... So exhausted and headachy that all I wanted to do was crawl into bed... and so I did... For the entire afternoon.

For Christmas, I received a book I've been desperate to read, but I haven't even cracked it... Too difficult to concentrate. Even magazine articles are difficult to read if they are longer than 250 words...

I can't watch my favourite shows without zoning out or feeling... I don't know... restless... but not quite. Just not there.

How can I become more 'present'?

I wish the answers would come more easily.

I found some quotes to help find hope...

Men's best successes come after their disappointments.
Henry Ward Beecher

The best way out is always through.
Robert Frost

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
Marcel Proust

When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.
Helen Keller

Frustration...

I saw my regular doctor today (needed to renew my birth control prescription... TMI... sorry).  I had to bring up my concerns with my psychiatrist... Things like cancelling appointments, not booking appointments when he says he will, not completing forms for my disability claim in reasonable time, not communicating with my doctor and not following up with me...

The answer... not great.  Basically, my doctor said that most psychiatrists in Canada (or at least in my city) will see someone a few times, then return their file to their family physician.  And, because I already have a psychiatrist, it will be difficult to even get another doctor to see me.

Translation: I can't switch doctors because 1) I might not find a new one and 2) I run the risk of losing my disability claim (i.e. must be completed by medical doctors only).

Unfortunately, as alluded to in one of my comments, I can't even go the route I'd prefer: through a naturopath, because they aren't recognised as credible medical professionals... How much does that suck?

Realisations...

Yesterday, while I was at my Mom's, she was trying to make a point with my son and kept comparing him to the other kids at his day home... Then I realised all these comparisons throughout my life (and comments like, "What will the neighbours/other people think?") might have contributed to my fear of judgement and social anxiety. Now, I have to figure out a way to stop this pattern with my child, especially when he's around my mother.

I also realised part of my problem might be a lack of problem-solving skills... part of my up-bringing.  My mother has this habit of trying to look at everything with rose-coloured glasses. Not entirely a bad thing.  But when you gloss over things that are bad in life, you don't learn how to cope with them.  You learn to ignore and bury. Not a technique that should be encouraged.  Problems do exist. Pain does exist. I think it's better to confront and deal with them, so you can move on... and not have to stay still. 

There's a blog that I periodically read and I find it irritating... (The couple are friends of friends, so I won't post it here). Everything in their lives is "perfect". No temper-tantrums from their kids (both under five), no potty-training issues, the kids are super-smart and clever, cute photos are consistently posted, even major financial and health issues are glossed over.  (I have no idea how they make ends meet with their lifestyle and one income). The on-line world they've created is an illusion (it would be unnatural if it wasn't)... This is how they want to be perceived. I'm sure you've seen similar blogs or Facebook updates where people only post the 'too good to be true all the time' things.

I think there's a real danger to not admitting problems - especially around kids... Real life can be beautiful and wonderful, but there are challenges and knowing how to deal with them completes the magic of life. Life would be dull if everything were perfect. (Although, I wouldn't mind some 'perfection' here...LOL).

So, the long-winded lessons of the day are:

• Stop comparing yourself (and your kids) to others. Everyone has a different life path, different talents and skills and different experiences. Be true to yourself and allow others to do the same.
• Don't gloss over problems. They exist, and they need to be addressed. Work towards making your world a better place - not by ignoring life - but by tackling challenges head-on.

 

Appointment... Cancelled...

So after anxiously driving across town to see my psychiatrist, he asks me to speak to him on the phone... He cancelled on me due to an emergency... Well, I thought I was important too. I guess I was wrong.

Appointment tomorrow...

I'm meeting my psychiatrist tomorrow. And, I am filled with dread.  There hasn't been any progress.  I still have panic attacks in crowded places, but I generally feel nothing. My concentration levels suck, and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep most days.

I don't know what he's going to recommend.

I need change... but part of me doesn't care any more...

Holiday Season

Another year without emotion...

Frustrating.

My Grandmother died.  Nothing.  No saddness. Just neutral.  My beloved cousin died.  Nothinng. Neutral. Christmas came and went. Nothing.  Now it's New Year's day... Normally, I participate in elaborate rituals to ensure a good new year. Not this time. I was in bed at 12:05 am...

Not sure what 2012 will bring.  All I know is it needs to be better than 2011.