Lost

I am lost. I don't recognise myself anymore.  I am just a shell.  I don't live. I exist.

I was hopeful the switch to Celexa would make a difference.  At first, I started to feel anger.  True rage. Anger bubbled out of me and exploded over little things.  I cried for  quite a while.  This lasted two days.  Now, I'm back to nothing.

Today in group we talked about me (I know, "That's enough about me; let's talk about me.") 

How do I open up channels of emotion when I don't feel anything?  One suggestion was to set up boundaries.  Not boundaries over everything. Just small things.

The other was that perhaps I am so afraid of experiencing emotion that I've blocked it off entirely.  It's my 'I stopped stopping to smell the roses, and now the roses don't exist.' philosophy. 

Then - to address my flurry of activity and collapse... It's a way of avoiding emotion.  If I'm super-busy, I don't think. And, if I crash and fall asleep, then I'm avoiding emotion too.  Hmm...

So many thoughts.

But I'm also experiencing a fear of writing.  On a good day, I'm not a bad writer.  I won't say I'm brilliant, but I enjoy - actually LOVE - well-crafted sentences, paragraphs and stories.  I have been afraid to write.  Has it been, as my fellow group member suggested, avoidance out of fear?  Avoidance because my emotions will show through?  Avoidance because I fear not being perfect in my ability to communicate?

You might be saying to yourself, 'This girl can't write.' And, based on this blog, you might be right.  I'm just randomly putting thoughts in, trying to share experiences without editing my thoughts too much.  Sometimes it's better to put thoughts on paper (or this blog) without worrying about judgement.

Lot's to ponder.  Lots to discover.  Lots to let of.  And, lots to learn.