Today in group session, one of the counsellors said we should be conscious of pushing depression away.
I try. I do things like drag my kid to the mountains or a park, and I wander around before I crash.
However, I realise that despite all this 'movement', I try not to interact anyone. Preferring to be invisible. To hide from everyone around me... Even in my 'busy-ness'.
I find it painful to talk to most people. I feel awkward and shy - like I don't belong. I don't know how I'm going to return to my business world - where talking to people is integral.
Part of me thinks I'm a misanthrope. I don't like people. But, I realise that it's not people I dislike, but being judged or the cruelty that exists in some people. People who don't seek to understand. People who intentionally hurt others. I just don't get those kinds of folks. And, I don't want to be a part of that... I never did. Even as a child, I protected those who were subject to the ridicule of others.
Where I am I going to find my strength from? How am I going to get back to who I was? Without emotion, I lack the ability to recall anything - create memories. Without emotion, my intuition doesn't exist... And, my intuition is one of the character traits that made me who I am... My intuition has helped me connect with people.
I've also been so good at isolating myself, that I haven't made contact with the folks I really want to... including my dear friend Calamity Jen (sorry... I've really been meaning to touch base and catch up).
How can I bring about the changes I need to make in my life to regain my life?
How I wish i had answers for you. Is your avoidance of people part of the anhedonia or another issue altogether? It sounds like it could be anxiety related. I feel much the same way about people, which is why I rarely leave the house when I'm on my own, and I'm fairly certain that it is tied to my anxiety rather than my depression. What do the counsellors say about your avoidance and about the loss of your intuition?
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