Ramblings...

Today in group session, one of the counsellors said we should be conscious of pushing depression away.


I try.  I do things like drag my kid to the mountains or a park, and I wander around before I crash.

However, I realise that despite all this 'movement', I try not to interact anyone.  Preferring to be invisible.  To hide from everyone around me... Even in my 'busy-ness'.

I find it painful to talk to most people.  I feel awkward and shy - like I don't belong.  I don't know how I'm going to return to my business world - where talking to people is integral.

Part of me thinks I'm a misanthrope.  I don't like people.  But, I realise that it's not people I dislike, but being judged or the cruelty that exists in some people.  People who don't seek to understand.  People who intentionally hurt others.  I just don't get those kinds of folks.  And, I don't want to be a part of that... I never did. Even as a child, I protected those who were subject to the ridicule of others.

Where I am I going to find my strength from? How am I going to get back to who I was?  Without emotion, I lack the ability to recall anything - create memories.  Without emotion, my intuition doesn't exist... And, my intuition is one of the character traits that made me who I am... My intuition has helped me connect with people.

I've also been so good at isolating myself, that I haven't made contact with the folks I really want to... including my dear friend Calamity Jen (sorry... I've really been meaning to touch base and catch up). 

How can I bring about the changes I need to make in my life to regain my life?

Me...

This morning, I woke up early and worked out at the gym.  I spent a fortune on a membership about a month ago, and the dollar figure alone is a motivator to overcome my desire to hibernate.

As I was working out, I realise the happiest I've been in my adult life was when I allowed myself to focus on me.  At one point in time, I lost about 65-70 lbs and felt great.  I wasn't super-skinny, but I was healthy.  I felt strong and confident.

I want to regain that feeling. Perhaps if I could lose some of the weight gained while I was pregnant, I might feel less sluggish (I gained about 90 pounds... Thankfully, 50 lbs came off shortly after I had my baby).   I need to value myself more.  Treat myself like I am important, rather than dismissing myself.

I know it won't be an overnight process, but I have to work towards finding myself again. Who am I?  Where is the woman I was five years ago?  Maybe if I can reconnect with her, I can find my emotions again.

Another why

While listening to others in group session today, I realised something quite profound.  All of the people in our circle are really good at giving to others. Helping others. Respecting others.

What we fail at is being good to ourselves. Kind to ourselves.  Respecting ourselves. 

Why is it easier to give what we can't give to ourselves? Unconditional love and understanding.

Why

The word 'why' doesn't seem intimidating on its own.  Just three letters, asking a question. But the 'why' questions can be very heavy.

Questions like: "Why am I not feeling any better?"; "Why aren't I smarter/cuter/richer?"; "Why can't I or didn't I make better decisions?"

These questions imply self-guilt. An inability to change.  It's the word that gets people stuck... stuck in the past and unable to move forward.

But how can I change the 'whys' in my life, so I can move forward?

Lost

I am lost. I don't recognise myself anymore.  I am just a shell.  I don't live. I exist.

I was hopeful the switch to Celexa would make a difference.  At first, I started to feel anger.  True rage. Anger bubbled out of me and exploded over little things.  I cried for  quite a while.  This lasted two days.  Now, I'm back to nothing.

Today in group we talked about me (I know, "That's enough about me; let's talk about me.") 

How do I open up channels of emotion when I don't feel anything?  One suggestion was to set up boundaries.  Not boundaries over everything. Just small things.

The other was that perhaps I am so afraid of experiencing emotion that I've blocked it off entirely.  It's my 'I stopped stopping to smell the roses, and now the roses don't exist.' philosophy. 

Then - to address my flurry of activity and collapse... It's a way of avoiding emotion.  If I'm super-busy, I don't think. And, if I crash and fall asleep, then I'm avoiding emotion too.  Hmm...

So many thoughts.

But I'm also experiencing a fear of writing.  On a good day, I'm not a bad writer.  I won't say I'm brilliant, but I enjoy - actually LOVE - well-crafted sentences, paragraphs and stories.  I have been afraid to write.  Has it been, as my fellow group member suggested, avoidance out of fear?  Avoidance because my emotions will show through?  Avoidance because I fear not being perfect in my ability to communicate?

You might be saying to yourself, 'This girl can't write.' And, based on this blog, you might be right.  I'm just randomly putting thoughts in, trying to share experiences without editing my thoughts too much.  Sometimes it's better to put thoughts on paper (or this blog) without worrying about judgement.

Lot's to ponder.  Lots to discover.  Lots to let of.  And, lots to learn.