Making Decisions and More

Decision about Long Term Disability
I made a decision without making a decision. The stress of the long term disability settlement offer has been overwhelming. I've been experiencing this veil of anxiety for months, not certain what to do.

After talking with my doctor and my lawyer, I still didn't think I could make a decision... So, I asked my employer and the insurance company for an extension.  No word yet. But, I just can't make a decision without knowing a bit more about my mental and physical health.  We'll see what they come back with.  Thankfully, there is no worse-case scenario in this... Or at least right now I don't think there is.  If they give an extension, then I have about another month to see specialists, take my tests and decide. If they don't, then I go back to the insurance company...

Okay, I am totally paranoid about them making me jump through more significant hoops and making me even more stressed and sicker, or decide to stop making payments. I don't want to have to use my lawyer and to fight for something that I'm entitled to.  And, there will be a lawsuit if they stop making payments.  Just because I'm sick doesn't mean that I don't have people willing to help me fight the 'Big Brother' looking over my shoulder...

Let's face it. The insurance company doesn't care about me and my well-being. All they care about was their bottom line. I think they'd prefer me to take the settlement offer, so they don't have to risk paying anything after the 24 month mark. It's sick. They'd rather have me suffer, than continue to pay me to get better.

And, even worse, I am worried sick they'll force me to go back to the company with no ethics and no morals. I would rather do almost anything else than return to the place of hell.  I worry that I will die if I return. It might sound extreme, but if you were in that hell-hole, you'd feel that way too.

Mental Health
Fine. I now admit it. Perhaps the Effexor had more 'positive' impact on my mental well-being than I thought. The generalised angst and the constant panic have returned when I leave my home. And, once again, I wake up from my sleep extremely anxious and afraid.  Not sure how much of this has to do with the insurance company offer, as it got worse when the initial offer was made (while I was still taking Effexor), and now I feel it more often... Okay. Much of the time.

Oddly enough, I'm still a zombie. A zombie with panic attacks.  I am not present. I am not here. I am just existing. Like a ghost. I wish I could be present and experiencing life rather than in this bizarre dream/trance-like state.

To make matters worse, I thought that once I was off the Effexor, I would be able to experience positive emotion. My theory? If the Effexor made me more 'flat', then maybe not taking it would help me experience positive emotions.  Well, sadly I was wrong. No positive emotion whatsoever.

Life without positive emotion is horrible.  There's no positive reinforcement for anything  I do. Instead of feeling happy when something should make me happy, I feel sad and cry.  (Okay, I wasn't doing that on Effexor). On the upside, at least something, somewhere within me knows I should be experiencing a positive emotion... It just comes out wrong. All wrong.

Solution? Don't know. Thanks to our local mental health hotline, I've been set up with counselling sessions starting next week. (I also have an appointment with the counsellor at my doctor's office for mid-November). Should I go back to the anti-depressants? I'd rather not. I worry that I'll go back to the cycle of it not helping me... Getting my 'hopes' up that each pill I take will make me feel better, and then I feel crushed when it doesn't. I'd like to request another psychiatrist. One who listens to me...

And, I am so desperate to get better (deep breath), I'd like to investigate the possibility of trying electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Maybe I'll become better if I 'reboot' my brain.

Physical Health
My health has been driving me nuts. Some symptoms I've been experiencing have existed all throughout my journey with Effexor. I was labelling these health concerns as Effexor side-effects; now that I'm no longer on Effexor, the symptoms persist.  I have to take some tests (yes, I have the forms). I just hope the doctors can figure out what's wrong. My physical health is making it harder for me to want to go out. And, it's been a distraction from my mental health issues. How can I focus on my mental health when I'm not feeling well? When I'm feeling sick much of the time.

Too much. Too sad. Too blank. Too invisible.

Fingers crossed I'll feel better - physically, mentally, spiritually - very soon. Sadly, I don't even know what hope is any more.