I've been following her story since mid-October, and it's made me sad. Not just for Amanda and her family and friends, but those in situations like hers. Her heartbreaking life and death started me thinking more about bullying and the impacts on my life.
The more I contemplate bullying - and the role it's played in my life - I realise that I have played both roles: victim and bully.
When I think of my life as a 'victim', I think about my childhood and how I was bullied because I was different. I was considered smart, and I never really fit in - sometimes by choice, other times by circumstance. Sometimes I'd defend and befriend those being bullied, and other times, I'd turn a blind-eye so I wouldn't fall prey to bullying too. As a kid, you want to fit in - even if it is to a small degree.
As an adult, it's taken me a long time to realise that I've been a victim of workplace bullying - most recently my former boss. It might seem odd, but I didn't see her as a bully until I started looking up bullying. I found a website, www.bullyonline.org , which speaks to bullying.
As indicated in one of my earliest blog entries, How I became depressed Mom - work, my former boss would dismiss my ideas (unless they were presented by someone else). I would feel like everything I'd learnt throughout my many years in my industry were useless. I remember driving home, feeling sad about my need to be ethical and do things right. Of course, my right and her right were completely different (her standards were much lower than mine).
I remember going to a meeting with my then new boss. I thought it went okay, but she spent a half hour telling me that 'she'd never been more embarrassed in her entire life.' (in hindsight, REALLY??? REALLY???? Never so embarassed???). We were meeting with a consultant who was exceptionally good at what she did. What did I do? I shared (not over-shared) some of my experience to provide her context and an understanding of my background. The consultant didn't seem offended. But, my boss raised heck afterwards, and wouldn't stop even after I'd apologised. I remember thinking I should quit. And, I should have started looking for work right away. Obviously, I didn't. And, it wasn't until my self-esteem eroded completely that I realised there was something wrong with my boss' 'leadership'. (BTW - other people noticed her treatment of me and commented on it in private. No one stood up for me though).
Philosophically, I'd never been one to think that 'I'm all that.' I've always looked for ways to make my work better. I've never been the person to take credit for other people's work. In fact, I've been known to give away credit for things I've accomplished. So, as my boss started demeaning my work and my accomplishments, I didn't think twice. I'd already been doing it for years. Why would I notice when she was doing it?
Looking at the bullying website's section on workplace bullying, my boss' tendency to bully me are even more apparent.
Here's an excerpt from the page http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/amibeing.htm 'What is bullying?' My comments are italicised and bold.
- constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication (check)
- simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value (check)
- constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential (check, check, check)
- where you are in a group (eg at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you (check - remember me being 'shushed'?)
- being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalised, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
- being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others (check)
- being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others (check - except the shouted at part...)
- being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all (check - I had to do the menial tasks the junior person didn't want to do)
- finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarised (check - my comments were 'ignored', until my boss took ownership of them as her own).
- having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away (check - I was always working with no authority and very little credit)
- having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused (no... instead, when I became too sick to work, she INSISTED I not return)
- being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties (check - she would ALWAYS suggest I take additional training, but never give me time to take them or allow me to take courses that the junior person was encouraged to take... even though my skill-sets were a more natural fit for that type of training)
- having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them (check - she would create bizarre arbitrary deadlines for things. Suddenly, projects had to be done 'yesterday.')
- ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late (check - see above)
- finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented (well, not so much... she just ignored my ideas until someone else suggested them)
- being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation (No... Despite her treatment of me, she was always complimentary to my face during evaluations. Her big exception? The junior person. She always wanted me to be nicer to her. I couldn't. I was polite to her, but I couldn't be more inclusive...She wasn't nice to me, and I didn't want to include her more in projects she wasn't a part of. Does that make me a bully too?)
- being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc (check - my boss REFUSED to allow me to return to work early in my illness, when I thought I should return; and she started sending me settlement offers when it looked like I was about to return).
Of course, reading the list, my conscience hurts knowing that I too have been a bully. Not on purpose; more out of pressure on my shoulders to deliver and a frustrating realisation that some people didn't have the skill set or desire to get the job done.
Am I just as guilty as my former boss? Maybe. Probably. Yes. On some days to some people.
Was it intentional? No. Well, sometimes.
Self-preservation? Yes.
Retaliation for being bullied? Yes. Sometimes.
Do I regret it? Yes. Yes. Yes.
I wish I could have done better. Been better. I did the best I could with what I had and the pressure I was facing. I was just trying to make my life easier, so I could get the tasks done. I would apologise and explain, but doesn't change my initial actions.
Can I change? YES. Now I know better and will try harder to be cognisant of my actions.
Do I think my boss will ever change? No. She is too narcissistic to change. Although she asks for feedback about her leadership skills, your words go in one ear and go out the other. I don't think she thinks she's ever wrong; she doesn't have that level of introspection.
In the description of a bully, she definitely meets these criteria:
- when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
- often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen
I've also learnt that anyone can be a bully, even though it can be unintentional. And, perhaps bullies need understanding too. Recent research has linked bullying to mental illness. (But that's another story... and perhaps another blog entry). Maybe I'm more of a bully than I think I am.
One thing for certain: bullying exists and is a complex social issue. Amanda Todd reminded us of that. I am grateful to her for that. But, she shouldn't have had to pay the ultimate price for it. She deserved better.
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