Zombie with panic attacks...

Okay, I am getting a bit pissed with the offer from my insurance company.  Aren't they supposed to be helping me to get better?  Just a thought.

And, I'm not much better than I was a year ago. I'm still a zombie who suffers panic attacks, anxiety, and sometimes, tremendous darkness and guilt.  Why would the insurance company think I am fit to cancel my policy and accept a settlement?  Yes, I am bitter.  And, they don't even bother to talk to me. Just send these cold letters and emails.  How horrible is that? 

I hate being a number... a statistic for them. Not a person to be helped.  How frustrating.

Sigh.

A rock and a hard place...

My insurance company and my former employer have offered a settlement.  Translation: the insurance company wants to pay me out for the next several months, and my employer wants to terminate my relationship with them.

I don't feel any better, and I don't know if I'll be able to work... So, if I accept the offer (which is enough to sustain us for the next several months), and I don't get better, we're a bit screwed. However, the benefit of the offer is a lump sum and not worrying about filling out the stupid forms, which costs $$, and being concerned about what big brother the insurance company thinks about my health.  What if they think I'm ready to return to work, even though I, and the health professionals I see, don't think so?  I'll be out of money.  And, if I get better before the 11 or so months are up, the money is 'free'.  If I don't get better, then I'm not entitled to ANYTHING - no more support or assistance - financial or otherwise.

I have asked for an extension from my employer and the insurance company, as my next appointment with my psychiatrist is towards the end of August.  We'll see.

Dark clouds, with rays of hope

I'm feeling out of sorts right now, like there's a dark cloud above my head (so much for following my psychologist's suggestion that I watch how I talk to myself).

First, I have a lingering sinus infection, adding fog and pain to my already foggy head. Second, I've been experiencing jaw/tooth pain, so I had to go in for surgery on my jaw yesterday to remove an infection trapped in my gum line. Not fun. Hopefully, the removal of the infection will make a cyst in my mouth disappear.

Other than my physical complaints, I just feel like everything around me is going wrong (except for my beautiful son, who is becoming a big boy so quickly, and my man, who loves me even though I look like Marlon Brando on one side of my face).  I am more financially unstable than usual; I don't feel like I have any space to myself any more; and I'm questioning my insurance company's commitment to my well being.  I missed my appointment with my psychologist the other day because the pre-surgery medications were making me very nauseous.

On the upside, I have been seeing my psychologist. And, she is lovely.  We've been talking about my negative self talk, breathing better and coping skills. I try to follow her instructions (Yoda's words of wisdom always come to mind when I hear the word 'try'. "Do or not do; there is no such thing as try" - paraphrasing, of course). And, when I remember to follow her instructions, I do feel better.  I also signed up for a pain management class, which looks promising. 

Well, perhaps there is some light shining through the dark clouds....