Okay, I've been off of anti-depressants for a while, and I question my decision.
I still wish to be invisible - hide from everyone, to not exist. When I go places, I pray that no one tries to interact with me for fear of creating panic later on or for saying or doing the wrong thing.
I am feeling panic and anxiety. The panic attacks and feeling like I need to not exist have returned. Today, after a relatively quiet day over at my brother's, all I wanted to do was go home, cry, and hide. My entire body - my heart, my chest, my soul, my feet, my hands - was overcome with fear and sadness. Why? There is no reason for it. Nothing traumatic happened today. In fact in was pleasant. I don't understand why I am so weepy, hysterical and upset when nothing bad happened today.
I've also been waking up in the middle of the night in sheer panic and terror about something or other (I don't remember what I've been upset about, but I know I usually wake up at around three and can't get back to sleep for a couple hours because of this hysteria). This is VERY out of character for me. I normally sleep at the drop of a hat all night until morning.
I still live in a trancelike state. I am not present; I am extremely distracted, can't concentrate, can't feel anything positive - only negative, forget everything (and I mean EVERYTHING), and speak in circles. I can't do anything. My focus is gone. Sometimes I start a sentence (even when writing), and can't remember what I was going to say. (Unfortunately, this happens more often than not).
I am ANGRY... perhaps even enraged. I find myself angry, really angry, some of the time. All of a sudden I completely blow up at my Mom, and occasionally my sister, with no warning. I go from okay to livid in a heartbeat. I wish I didn't. It's not fair to either of them. It's like I will be angry at something one of them did, not say anything at the time, then EXPLODE over something smaller.
I cry at the drop of a hat. I just cry and cry and cry and cry (you get the picture). I can't stop sobbing at commercials, The Muppet Show Song (really) and Moving Right Along song (once again from The Muppets...HORRIBLE, I know)... etc.
I still feel nothing positive. Stupid anhedonia. 'Nuff said.
Of course, my visit with my psychiatrist was NOT helpful. He basically dissed the group therapy team for agreeing (and not even questioning) my desire to quit the anti-depressants. He said that by making this decision, I will regress making it much harder to get better. I am so confused. So frustrated... and of course, back at square one.
Oh dear. What DOES the psychiatrist suggest? A different antidepressant, perhaps?
ReplyDeleteI think you did what you had to do. You wanted to feel SOMETHING again, and you succeeded. The trick is figuring out what to do now that you are back to experiencing only negative emotions.
Hi, D Mom, your recent systems sound like you're coming off the AD's and these are all quite common, crying at the drop of a hat etc.. I wrote to you in June and all the symptoms you mentioned in your additional blogs are similar to mine and all others with this 'anhdeonia', don't want to bother with people, etc.... Needless to say the pharma companies, or medical profession, can do zilch about it. AD's do not work and can actually bring anhedonia on. By the way you mentioned losing your baby weight, how long after the birth of your child did you become anhedonic? I mentioned in my earlier post that dysregulation of the HPA axis can cause anhedonia, and giving birth can also dysregulate the HPA axis - which I personally believe is the reason for antenatal depression.
ReplyDeleteI'm currently on a low carb diet hoping to kick start my system again. I'll let you know if anything finally works!
I cannot see my post yet - however I may have wrtten ante-natal D, I mean't to say post-natal depression.
ReplyDeleteJenni - The psychiatrist suggested Effexor. I haven't taken it yet. His theory is that without antidepressants, I'll have to work harder to feel good. My naturopath and I are meeting tomorrow, so I'd like to talk to her about it. We chose another path of therapy, and I wanted to give it a go before trying something different.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - Thanks again for your comments. Unfortunately, I don't think I can blame PPD for what I'm experiencing. The anhedonia started to hit about a year ago, when my son was two and a half. It is worth looking into. I'll discuss it with both my naturopath and my psychiatrist at the next appointments, though... just in case. The psychiatrist from the group sessions suggested that I might be peri-menopausal, which is something else to consider
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of a low-carb diet. I sincerely hope it works for you. Please keep me posted. Any solutions would be helpful. I hope things start to fall into place for you.