Ghost

I am a ghost.  Floating through this world.  Never quite connecting to anything or anyone.  Only uncertainty. Fear. Anxiety. Veils of fear and anxiety everywhere I go.

I don't feel. Even when I touch the people around me, I am not making contact.  Everything is hollow.

I am not a part of this world.

I am alone.

I am in a trance.

I am amongst the living dead. Existing. Not feeling.

A ghost.

Attempts to Recover

I've been desperate to get better... if not for me, for my son.

When I first went on sick leave, I was shocked when the substitute doctor who wrote the note for my work didn't tell me what was next.  I then returned to the clinic, asked to see another doctor, who basically told me to get some exercise and eat better.  Well you try that when you're feeling so blue that getting out of bed poses to be a huge challenge.

I started to experience severe panic, so I called our local distress centre.  They suggested I speak to an emergency response unit.  Feeling so miserable, I agreed.  I met them at a local hospital, where I spent an entire hour in hysterical tears, using up an entire box of Kleenex, explaining my situation.  They recommended me to a psychiatrist and suggested I see a psychologist.

The psychologist was very kind and understanding.  She too suggested exercise, a better diet and breathing techniques. At first I thought she was a bit too new age-y,  but that was only the first day.  Since then, I've learned a lot from her wisdom and wholistic approach, and I see her once a week

Then, I finally saw my own doctor, who diagnosed me with major depressive disorder.  I was relieved to know that what I was experiencing wasn't completely foreign.   I was then put on Cymbalta.  We tried 30 mg, then 60 mg.  No difference.  When I saw the psychiatrist, he upped the medication to 90... None of it worked.

I was beside myself, and I've even tried massage and a naturopath.  My fingers are crossed that those will help too.

The psychiatrist then insisted I come into the hospital for various tests.  I can't explain how terrifying it was to be sitting in one of those rubber-rooms.  All I know is that I never want to be in one of those again.

Since then, I've been decreasing the Cymbalta... Still experiencing really bad panic episodes (not that those abated much while I was taking the large doses of medication).  Now I cry almost every day.  I still don't feel any happiness.  Only fear and all types of negative emotions magnified.  And, I worry about never getting better - despite assurances from the folks I've been seeing.

I try to keep things together for the sake of my family.  Easier said than done.  I'm finding it difficult to do the smallest of things, and all I want to do is sleep, hide and cry.

About Depressed Mom

I am a depressed Mom of a three year old boy.

However, if you weren't in my close inner circle of family and friends or one of the health care practitioners I've been seeing, you might not even notice anything wrong.  In fact, it took me a little while to figure out that there was something wrong. 

After months of emptiness, not feeling pleasure in anything, an inability to concentrate, general numbness and chronic exhaustion I started experiencing horrible panic attacks that lead to very odd behaviour. My formerly precise memory started to fade... I'd forget people who I'd known for considerable lengths of time. Looking back, I think I experienced a nervous breakdown.

After being a workaholic for most of my life, I called in sick for an important week, where my area of expertise was absolutely required.  I couldn't function.  I barely got off the couch (thankfully, I took my son to his day home each day, so I didn't have to worry about him).

Moving in a trance-like state, unable to concentrate, unable to feel joy in ANYTHING, I knew there was something seriously wrong.  And, when I say unable to feel joy in anything... I mean ANYTHING, or at least anything positive.  I would cuddle my son... feel nothing; I'd do something special with my fiance/common-law husband...feel nothing; laugh so hard at a TV program that my cheeks were hurting...feel nothing; receive accolades for my work...feel nothing.  I feel nothing positive.  No matter what I do.  Oddly, I say that I'm excited, laugh, crack jokes, smile, and yet nothing connects to my brain.  I don't feel it in my heart or anywhere I can consciously recognise.

Unfortunately, all the negative emotions exploded in my brain.  I wasn't able to sleep; panic, fear and anger became constant companions.

I was grateful my doctor put me on sick leave several months ago.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anhedonia - something I wouldn't have even believed existed before I started experiencing it.

In case you're wondering, I don't drink alcohol or take illegal drugs (only prescription and over the counter and as per instructions).  If you were to meet me, you might think that there's nothing wrong with me.  I appear pretty 'normal' - whatever 'normal' means.

I'd like to say that I'm feeling much better - able to function normally and that I'm back at work, but despite my efforts to get better, I'm still the same as I was several months ago.

This blog will help me try to regain my life - and what I've lost - and ideally, I'll start to feel happiness again.

By sharing my journey (there are lots more details to come), I also hope to help those in similar situations.