Unhappy

Why am I not happy?  I don't know.  I just wish the pain, anxiety, fear, and numbness will go away.

I was once happy.  Ridiculously happy.  What changed in my life to create this downward spiral? 

I'm trying to be optimistic.  Trying everything I can to overcome these feelings of despair.  However, my inability to connect with anyone or anything in a positive way weighs on me heavily. What if I'll never get better?  What if I'm never going to be happy again?  What if I can never lead a normal life again?

I'm doing everything I can... baby steps.  Trying to eat differently. Trying to get more sunshine (thankfully the weather is cooperating).  Trying to get more exercise.  Trying to become more centred.  But the baby steps don't seem to be working, and I feel even more isolated than before.

To make matters worse, my fear of interacting with people - my fear of being seen in public - is becoming more common and more pronounced.  I don't want to be afraid to leave my home.  But I am.

I no longer enjoy leaving my home, even on some subliminal level. If I need to do something, I run out, get it done as fast as I can, and PRAY that no one will speak to me/look at me. 

I am embarrassed about who I am and what I've become. I just want to be alone.  Do nothing.  Be nothing.

Happy people make me sad

Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest.  Happy people piss me off.

It doesn't matter if its an advertisement or real people or celebrities or reading these oh-too-good-to-be-true family blogs... Happy people piss me off. Especially if they have what I want: at least one more child, a great job and an awesome life/work balance (and a REALLY good vacations somewhere warm or exotic).

Yes... I know I have a wonderful husband and an amazing child and a soon-to-be lovely home.  But I want to enjoy them and stop going through the motions!

I once felt genuinely happy for happy people (rather than the trance like emptiness I currently feel).  Hell, I was once a happy person.  So, I know the feeling.  I loved the feeling.  It was wonderful to walk on air and know that life was great.  Of course, I remember the concept... not the actual feeling.  That feeling is gone.

And, that makes me feel bitter.  Very bitter.  Why can't I be experiencing those things again?  Why have I been robbed of feeling all things good in life?

It's not fair.

I miss feeling happy.  I miss the camaraderie of working and having a great career. I miss not wanting to be so invisible.  Right now invisible is where I'm at.  I want to hide in this dark basement and do nothing. Just disappear.