Difficult to Find the Energy

Sorry for the length of time between posts.

Finding the strength to write is hard. Finding the time is hard too.

I'm grateful for comments I receive on this blog.

It's not because I want ANYONE to experience the challenges I've faced and continue to face. It's because I'm glad I'm not alone. But, at the same time, I am sad that I'm not alone. I'm sad that others experience this lethargy and frustration.

(I have to wonder if part of this is hormonal.)

I know I've tried many things to get back on track - to rediscover who I am and bring back some joy into my life. Sometimes approaches seem more successful than others.

The only thing I'd recommend is to KEEP FIGHTING. We can't let this destroy us. I know it's hard - sometimes DESPERATELY HARD - to keep looking for help - trying one thing or another and not quite finding the right approach.

If doctor's can't find a solution, then maybe we should.

Has anyone tried anything that's made them feel better, even just a little bit? If you have, what was it? How did it help?

Please let us know, so we can grow stronger together.

I'm sending whomever is reading this love, light and warmth. We need all the support we can get.

Getting Through Bad Days

When you look at someone's life from the outside, it's impossible to know their daily struggles. 

It's hard to imagine anahedonia unless you've experienced it. You may seem normal on the outside, yet you aren't who you were before. Things that are major victories to you now are things you wouldn't have thought twice about accomplishing before. 

I marvel at myself. I once used to accomplish an incredible number of things during the day. Now, I'm happy to have washed and dried a load of laundry (bonus points for folding them and putting them away). 

I think one of the keys to survival is reframing our victories to the simpler things. You might not feel the pride of accomplishment because you tend to see what has not been done (especially in comparison to the you of the past).  It's easy to see what's missing, what has to be done. What if we focused on some of the smaller victories. Sure the laundry hasn't been folded and put away, but it's been washed. Better than yesterday. The dishes haven't been put away, but they are clean. Small steps. Baby steps. 

To quote Dory from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming."

Maybe by reframing the way we think, the frustrating feelings of defeat won't weigh us down so much. 

Maybe if we acknowledge what we have done, rather than focusing on what we haven't done (or have lost), positive emotions will start to peak through the darkness we live in. And, maybe, just maybe, they will continue to peak through until the darkness no longer covers the light. 

Just a thought. Just a thought.

It's been a while...

... and somehow I'm still holding on and moving forward. Maybe not moving forward, but staying in the same place.

It's been a while since my last update. Part of me got tired of reporting nothing, a lack of progress, a lack of change. The other part wondered if the "Tales of Depressed Mom" title was reinforcing my depression. And, part of me was too tired, too sick, too anything to commit words to screen. So, there you have it.

I'm still here. Going through the motions of life. Wondering. Waiting. Hoping for change, but not truly expecting it.

If anyone reads this, let me know how you're doing.

Some Inspiration

I always wonder: if you've been suicidal all of your life, can you ever let go of the negativity, the cloud that seems to hover above you, even on the sunniest days?

I always worry there's no hope - no light. But today I found some.

I stumbled upon this story, Day 13 - How I Survived Myself, and I thought I'd share it with you.

OOPS!!!!!

So, after all the nerves and angst as per the last blog entry, I cautiously drove to the new doctor's office.

When I arrived at the building, it was like a labyrinth. I wandered through the halls to find the office.

Imagine my surprise to learn that the doctor I was scheduled to see wasn't a psychiatrist at all, but another specialist for another health issue.

GROAN. How embarrassing! Such is my life.

Today's the Day...

Yup... Today's the day I visit my new psychiatrist. And, I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit anxious about it.

What if she doesn't believe that I'm depressed?  I can present as 'normal' sometimes... a facade, I know. But what if she doesn't see behind the mask I wear.

What if she doesn't actually listen to me? And, I get stuck with someone who doesn't end up helping me, but harming me - like the first psychiatrist I saw.

What if I get lost on the way there? Really. I'm not entirely sure where the office is despite our dear friend, Google Maps. (And, yes, you can laugh at this...it's funny 'cause it's true).

What if I get distracted about why I'm going there? My Aunt is dying, and I spent all day yesterday at the hospital with her family. I'm feeling weary and tired. And overwhelmed. My relationship with my Aunt has always been a bit - shall we say - uncomfortable. In some ways, I have her to 'thank' - at least in part - to my current situation. It's a long story. I'm sure I could write an entire blog or book about it. Needless to say, there are some situations that will remain unresolved and an understanding of her never found.

Will the new psychiatrist put me into a straight jacket and stick me into the hospital?  Seriously. I mean what if she wants to put me away because I haven't got better - and in some ways have become worse off than I was two years ago...

Sigh. I guess these things will be resolved today. At least, I hope they will.

New Year, New Opportunities???

Sorry, it's been a while since I've written in this blog. I've been feeling gloomy lately, and that can be a very dull read.

Life has been feeling overwhelming, and I've been trying to resist hibernating, hiding from the world. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being. But, still I push forward (slowly), for the sake of my son and husband.

I'm very grateful to have been seeing a counsellor, who is part of the local distress line. Thankfully, there's no cost to me, and she's been one of the best gifts I could ask for. She pushes (gently) and allows me to share without fear of judgement. She's provided a couple of suggested readings and website links I thought I'd share with you:

Self- Compassion http://self-compassion.org/
The Gifts of Imperfection: http://www.amazon.ca/The-Gifts-Imperfection-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358280023&sr=8-1

I now have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I sincerely hope she is better than the last one. Of course, I'll keep you posted.

I'm also trying to practise gratitude daily. By expressing thanks for situations, people, things - the gifts that enter your life - everyday, you change your neuropathways (even if you can't tell right away) and re-learn how to focus on the positive.  It feels insincere to express gratitude, especially when I'm feeling blue. But, I will continue to do so until it doesn't feel insincere, until I feel it in my heart.

Despite being tired of the fight, I will continue, and I urge those going through a tough time to push through as well. Please keep hoping. Even though it might not be apparent, there is a light (even if it's just a pin-prick right now) at the end of the tunnel. 

I stumbled upon this article about a woman who believes that being kidnapped saved her life.  At 10 years old, she was a victim of horrific abuse, then kidnapped for 17 days. When she was rescued, she was moved out of the abusive environment where she was living and into foster care, where she was nurtured and treated with respect. She now is happily married with children wants to become a motivational speaker. I'd go see her.

The lesson? Remember, you never know when or how something extremely negative - like what I and some of you are going through - will turn into a positive. Just hang in there and try to find the light in the darkness.