The fact that my psychiatrist thought I was ‘normal’ enough to just see a regular family physician and the insurance company thinks I’m mentally healthy enough to return to ‘any occupation’ by mid-July has got me thinking… What if being a zombie who experiences panic attacks is the social norm? Is it possible that being happy is abnormal and being unhappy, angst- ridden and ghost-like is the norm? I mean, why else would my mental health professional and my insurance company be so anxious to get rid of me?
Maybe all those years of happiness, punctuated with some
downs too, was an abnormal way of life. Maybe that’s why I never quite fit in.
Maybe that’s why people thought I was strange.
Laughing until I cried, being proud of my accomplishments, sharing
adventures with my family and friends, and just having fun… Maybe these things
are not normal for most. Maybe the overwhelming, heart-swelling joy I
experienced was more proof that I was ‘wrong’ somehow.
Think about it. Maybe I’m right. Maybe misery is the norm, but
we don’t necessarily see it because ‘successful’ people don’t share their
miseries, only their successes. (That's what makes them 'successful', don't you know???)
Realistically, we don’t understand other people’s emotions.
We only see what people choose to share with us; what’s socially appropriate.
Most people present only positive emotions in public – at coffee-time, on Facebook,
while shopping etc. We don’t see or hear all those things that make people feel
bad – the negative emotions. Of course, when we compare ourselves to these
images, we come up short. No one can always be that perfect. That happy. All.
The. Time.
Why do people present more positive than negative? Easy.
They want to appear to be ‘winners’, in control and successful in life. No one
wants to be the ‘loser.’
People, obviously me included, tend to consciously or unconsciously
supress their negative emotions for fear of being ‘different’. Presenting a
positive public face is a form of self-preservation. It's a way of 'keeping up with the Jones'" If you’re sad or
frustrated and in any way ‘imperfect’, you’re showing signs of weakness – at work,
at home, or in with friends. And, if you’re not perfect, well there’s something
wrong with you. You’re not fitting in with what you think society expects you
to be. Unfortunately, this means that wherever you go or whatever you do, you’re
wearing a mask and not revealing your true self – just the shell, the
superficial outside. (Sadly, there are those who are perfectly content with knowing your superficial self... Try to minimize those types of people in your life... Too many can be toxic).
Social media – such as Facebook or Twitter – perpetuates
this mythology. Generally when posting, or ‘liking’, people want to present
themselves in the best possible light. We tend to avoid people who consistently
make negative comments in their Facebook posts, leaning towards the positive.
Of course, when you’re reading only good things or see people sharing experiences
that you want in your life, you might think ‘good for them’, but inevitably,
you end up wondering why your life can’t be like that – why your life is coming
up short…
When skimming through Facebook, we tend to forget that
everyone has their own journey. Everyone has their trials and tribulations. Did
you ever think that maybe what you see is an illusion, a façade? Your friend may have got the dream job. But you don't see the hours of hard work, heartbreak and sacrifice that made it happen. Yes, that
frenemy might be on vacation somewhere exotic, but you don’t know if she is
fighting with her husband all along. What about the couple with the beautiful
home? Maybe the wife is addicted to gambling, and they are in danger of losing
that home. What about the parent of kids
who seemingly can do no wrong? Maybe the there is more to that too. All you see
is the good. You don’t necessarily see or know the background into these so
called perfect lives.
The casualties of this social Darwinism, or survival of
those most socially adept, are people like me. People who know how to present
the façade so well that people don’t even notice there is something wrong. These
are the people who desperately need help, but don’t have the strength or
courage to ask for it, for fear of being narcissistic (too many folks like that
on the internet, sigh) or judged harshly. (That’s one of the reasons I’m kinda
like Gossip Girl: “Who am I? I’ll never tell.”). If we ask for help, we live with the worry
that we’ll become social pariah.
In my case, I’ve told a few friends about my situation.
Thankfully, most of them have been extremely supportive. Some of the people I haven’t
told might understand, but I fear the majority will not. Actually, I know the
majority will not. I will be forever labeled as ‘depressed Mom’ and unable to
escape the stigma of mental illness.
I wish I could be one of those people who feel comfortable
enough in my own skin to share my issues more often – both in person and
on-line. Let’s face it. If I had cancer or was in a car accident, I wouldn’t be
as reluctant to share. Okay. I probably wouldn’t want to share that either, but
I would be less frightened about what people would say and how they’d react.
Less afraid of being ostracised. Illness or accident are more socially accepted
than mental health issues.
I generally don’t ask for help. I think that’s partially why
I’m where I am. My mask is so thick, that I don’t even connect with myself.
Perhaps that’s why I’m a zombie with no positive emotions. Ever. My mask – my social persona – has formed my outward reality, while my insides are dead. Form without function.
The solution? Allow yourself to be different. Allow yourself to share things that make you happy and sad. Be true to yourself – both on the outside and the inside.
I wish I did that more often. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be
stuck in this world of darkness unable to escape.
